Thursday, December 15, 2011

Waiting...



I wait, and wait, and wait.  This experience tends to be the very essence of this journey. Waiting for the blood results and bone marrow from the first test that identified leukemia, waiting to find out whether Gabriel was standard risk or high risk to discover he was considered high risk based upon cyber genetics testing, waiting to know whether he is in remission, waiting to know whether chemo is working, waiting for June 2nd, 2012 for the final day of treatment, waiting for five years to know that he is cured….but, now I wait…again… I wait in fear, I wait in sadness, I wait in anger, I wait in frustration, I wait to know whether cancer has spread to his bone marrow, I wait wondering if my girls are a match in case a transplant will occur, I wait as I also have to endure my girls being tested, I wait for FEAR of that word that is apart of this journey with cancer. I don’t want to fear losing my son.  I did not carry Gabriel for nine months to give birth to him to see him in pain, to be reduced to what cancer does to a person, to not be a child living and enjoying life.  My child suffers and I suffer having to watch without being able to carry him through this pain.  When will you return Jesus so that you can take all this pain away?  I wait…in pain, sadness, frustration, but I wait knowing this is not my home.  However, it does not change the fact that this wait is hard when you have a child that suffers.  I want to be reminded of your blessings upon my life, but I am filled with sadness and loneliness, as you feel so distant.   So, I continue to wait for answers from doctors and I will continue to wait upon you Lord…

I never intended for my post to be one of such difficulty.  I had intended writing a post just after I uploaded an article from David.  My blog was going to be one where I rejoiced in all the blessings that have been a part of our life over this past year.  It was going to be a blog of great happiness from our Make a Wish trip, Camp Trillium and our 2nd annual Christmas cabin trip.  I felt very thankful to our Heavenly Father for blessing us.   However, all has completely changed in literally a matter of minutes.  I am thankful for this past year, but as I sit here writing this post it feels like a distant memory of long ago.  We went to Gabriel’s scheduled three month LP procedure that we have done with Gabriel many times before, and assumed all would be fine. 

We received a call on Wednesday from our Oncologist, which is rare.  Your gut sinks as you know when you receive a call from the Oncologist something is not right.  I was in session with a client and my husband banged on my door.  I knew instantly something was wrong.  I went in the hallway away from my office. My husband stated in tears “Gabriel has cancer in his central nervous system.”  I was instantly in shock.  All I could say was “what, are you kidding.”  I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that for a moment my mind wanted to believe this was a bad joke.  I quickly realized that I had to end my session with my client, as we needed to see our Oncologist. 

 We were advised that his treatment protocol could not be determined at this time until a bone marrow test is completed.  There are two options at this time for my son.  The first option if the cancer has not spread to the bone marrow is back on intensive chemo and radiation to his head.  The second option would be a bone marrow transplant if the cancer has been found in his marrow.  I don’t like either option.  When you are given options in best, better and ok, even though you don’t want any.  We want the best, which is where the cancer has not spread to his bone marrow.  Gabriel would require chemo and radiation, but no transplant.  A bone marrow transplant is very risky and life threatening. Our lives are transferred to Toronto with Gabriel having no contact with anyone except for myself and his dad for almost three months or until his numbers increase.

So, again I wait… I wait for Tuesday to have his bone marrow tested, and Mike, myself, and my girls to have our blood drawn to determine whether we are a bone marrow match, I wait for Thursday to learn of the results.  I wish I could end with the word “finally,” but I cannot.  I will still have to endure, as the wait is not over…  


8 comments:

  1. Tina, my name is Sandra and I am a bbc buddy of Jennifer anger. I want you to know that of you need to come to Toronto you are not alone. I will give you my contact information at that time, know that you have a friend when you need one. God works all around us everyday.

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  2. Hi Tina.
    I went to high school with Michele and Tony. We live in Toronto and our son (aged 7) goes to school in a special classroom at SickKids. If you are here, please please know that you have a home to stay in, a shoulder, an ear, meals, wheels, whatever you need. We will keep you all in our prayers. Debra

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  3. Tina, you are up on 8? Agh, I had a tear every time I had to press 8 on the elevator for the first month. Jack's oncologist is Angela Punnett and she is honestly...an angel. She is a very strong woman. I hope you get to meet her. Please tell her you know our family if you get the chance. Along with all the struggles you are having, you will also get to spend some great time with Gabe,hold onto that. Jack and I had a routine of climbing into bed with our story, putting the bed up as high as it would go and reading up there with a flashlight, he would get to move the bed up and then back down when our stories were done. Can he go to starlight lounge? I never went, Jack always went on his own. I hope you can make some good memories while you are there :) Jack's favorite joke...why was the nose sad? because he didn't get picked! Dione and family

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  4. Tina and Mike, our thoughts are with you as you deal with your journey. We will be reading your blog and send all our positive energy to you. Hugs and Kisses to Gabe and your family. John and Sheila Smart (Jack's Grama and Papa)

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  5. My Sweet sweet friend and sister, my heart is in utter agony, my stomach is in knots and I cannot stop my tears. you bring such encouragment to others as you place your hope in Jesus in the midst of such complete horror! Doing "it" all over again but with more intensity? I can only pray that our Daddy will continue to give you and your family the strength that He Has from the start of this journey. Oh how words escape me! All I can say is too keep looking up because no matter what you hear, God is the author of all our days, keep your faith and trust in Him alone, He will see you through! I will be sending your family and Gabriel's name to my prayer chain that reaches across the world, our family is BIG my friend, so take comfort in knowing that when you do not have the strength to pray or even think we have your back! think about this when you feel weak! As I sign off right now, I am moved with a poem written just for you, written in this moment but it is not from me......
    Keep your eyes toward heaven beyond the farthest star,
    I am sitting on the throne of thrones but I am also where you are,
    You may not be aware of me, amid the chaos that fills your broken heart,
    But trust me my little one, I already know the end from the start!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    But if you take a moment from your list of things to do,
    Listen to your heart, you’ll find “I’m waiting there for you.
    You’re the one I want to be with, you’re the reason that I came,
    And you’ll find me in the stillness as I’m whispering your name.
    Love Jesus

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  6. Gabriel, Tina & family, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers during your difficult times. My heart is aching for and with you. Know that all of our prayers will be for Gabriel. Wes, Kim, Brody & Zak.

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  7. Our Thoughts and Prayers our with you for Strength and Healing for your family and Gabriel. My BBC Mommies group (All Across Canada from Coast to Coast) is praying for Gabriel as well. They are an awesome bunch of Mom's that will not forget Gabriel in their prayers.

    Jen Anger (Michele Slattery's Sister)

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  8. Tina this is Erica. All my love and prayers to Gabirel and your entire family. You are the picture of love and strength.

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