Monday, January 2, 2012

On my Knees as I Suffer

Obedience and Self-Control

It seems interesting to post a blog about two areas of such great difficulty for most of the human race.  Obedience and self-control was my devotional for today and one that I have to learn over and over again.  We all face what seems like the impossible at some point in our lives and for some many times over.  Everyone has various areas in life where obedience and self-control should be a framework to live by, but often are two words that are placed on the shelf and forgotten.  Obedience is a strong word that is often misused for terms such as control and dominance.  However, when placed in proper perspective and appropriate relational roles it has a profound effect.  As a child of God, I am called to obedience to His word and to have self-control.  I must say that many times in my life I have failed a lot in these two areas.  Lately, my self-control has not been prevalent when I say such statements as “I hate life,” easily triggered emotionally when I feel anger and sadness.  I know some may read this summary assuming it is a fair way to experience a life when you are a parent to a child who suffers with cancer.  Yet, I am called to exemplify Jesus who died on the cross for my sins.  Jesus was perfect in every way, and though Satan tempted him He still prevailed. At this stage of my life I am not prevailing in much as I have let negativity, insecurity about the future, and peace be robbed from my home.  The first time Gabriel was diagnosed was shocking. I would define the first year as responding in a robotic manner during treatment days.  Gabriel’s relapse feels as though life is overwhelming, unfair, and that there is no end in sight.  It is taking everything in me to wake up, be mentally healthy for my children, to hold on to my marriage when some days as a result of Gabriel’s relapse we are struggling.  Most days I struggle with finding hope as fear overtakes my entire being.  I do not want to lose my son.   

BUT, two evenings ago in the shower as I cried out in desperation to Jesus as this fear overwhelmed myself and saw that my marriage was suffering…. An image of Jesus crying out to our Heavenly Father saying “why have your forsaken me” as He was left to die on the cross came to me vividly.  I was reminded that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. Did He do this in vain?  In the shower, I came to realize my faith was being robbed and that I was leaning on only my human strength, which has no power when you are a parent to a child with cancer.  Furthermore, our human strength tends not to have any great strength in the matter of human troubles. I was no longer trusting in God. I was not being “obedient” and had no self-control concerning my thoughts about the future and about my marriage.  I was watching things crumbling down around me.  These last two weeks have been the most difficult pain I have experienced.  To have only fear and no hope overtake oneself is something that no parent should ever have to experience about their child and their family.  I was not going to let the cross be in vain.  I decided in the shower that I would persevere through what I know and can trust, which is only through the Word of God. I am going to be obedient to God’s word and trust Him.  Proverbs 4:20-22 says “My son give attention to my words; incline your ears to my sayings; do not let them depart from our eyes; keep them in the midst of your heart; for they are life to those who find them, and health to all their flesh.”  I believe that God will one day use this pain to His glory.  The word of God states in Philippians 2:13 that “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”  I don’t want to go through this pain, and no parent should.  Nevertheless, I have to trust God has a purpose and one day He will be glorified in all His goodness. My strength in this journey comes from one place and only one place-to trust, to be obedient to God through prayer and reading the bible, and to commit to control my negative thoughts that this journey creates.  I pray this scripture from Isaiah 53:5 “he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we [Gabriel is] are healed. This scripture is my prayer.  I hope you too will pray this for my son.  I cannot say that I won’t have days where I feel frustrated, sad, suffer, and the many emotions that this journey brings, but I will make one powerful change.  I will not bear this pain on my own, as I know my Father in Heaven hears this pain.  I will take it to Him and pass this pain to him.   “The Lord is near the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

I don’t have the answer to the question why a loving God allows us to suffer, but I do know that suffering comes and is a part of the human condition.  We have all suffered, are suffering, or will suffer.  Life does involve joy and sorrow, comfort and hardship.   I may not know how to solve the mystery of suffering in this life.  I have come to learn that as I consider the many dimensions of this pain that I have come to understand myself in deeper ways, have learned to talk with God about my feelings, hurts, and my relationship with God has deepened.  I don’t want to suffer, especially with one of the greatest suffering one could imagine.  To suffer as a parent over your own child is one that should never happen.  Scripture instructs us to come to God “casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you (1 Peter 5:7).  God accepts all our suffering without conditions and takes ownership for this pain we entrust to Him.   That night in the shower I reached the bottom and realized I was helpless without Him.  I surrendered to God in my broken state as I looked around my home that once gained back peace this past year, but was now on the verge of being torn apart.   My home is to be a place of peace and one where God is a part of our walk, even when we suffer.  I want this for Mike, Gabriel, Simone, Yasmine and myself.  The only way to be in this world is to walk with the Lord. The "peace" you receive when you suffer is indescribable when you have the Lord in your life.

Update about Treatment

We recently found out a few days ago that Simone and Yasmine was not a match for Gabriel’s bone marrow.  Mike and I are partial matches, and there is new research developed concerning parents being bone marrow candidates with their children.  The question that comes to my mind is that I don’t know whether I am willing to risk my son’s life based upon new research.  Alternatively, our Oncologist, through e-mail over the holiday season indicated that we might use Simone’s stem cells that we banked when I gave birth to her.  If I was to offer any recommendation medically to all those reading this blog I would highly recommend banking stems cells from the umbilical cord as you never know what the future holds.  At this stage, Gabriel begins intensive chemo Tuesday, January 3rd (tomorrow) and is admitted to London hospital for five days.  Mike and I tried to read his protocol, but were very different to his previous protocol.  In addition, this protocol has never been used at London outpatient, which means Sick Kids and London speak regularly about this chemo regiment.  Gabriel receives various chemos over a course of five days the first week. We are then home the following week, and then admitted again for another five days.  A this point, it appears of what we can read of the protocol we will be admitted two weeks each month as inpatients for a period of three months.  The protocol for treatment will be discussed tomorrow.  There is still discussions occurring about Gabriel undergoing a bone marrow transplant, but at this time we are uncertain.  If Gabriel does undergo a transplant he will still receive chemo and radiation, but for a shorter duration in preparation for the transplant.  In addition, Gabriel will have to receive entire body radiation prior to the bone marrow transplant, which we were advised that he would be considered infertile.  This risk and many others are apart of this process whether it is entirely chemo or transplant.  The chemo/radiation protocol is two years of treatment.  We are still in the midst of discussing a transplant because it holds the highest rate of cure.  These details are hard to share, and are only the superficial details.  These details don’t tell the entire story of treatment. 

Parents who have travelled a similar journey with their child can only understand this story.  Mike and I never expect anyone that does not share similar circumstances to understand or have the right words to share.  We just appreciate and love that you want to listen, hug and support us however we need it without judgment or expectations.  We thank you that you spend time reading this blog, and want to help however you can.  We truly thank you with all sincerity for your words of encouragement, reading this blog, and anything you do to help.  We love you all!


  1. Tina, for now all I want to say is... You represent Jesus Well!
    You are not alone my friend, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily!!!

  2. Dear Tina,
    Please know that I am upholding Gabriel and all of you in prayer during this difficult time.
    You are loved!
    in Christ,

  3. I just wanted you to know our family is praying for Gabriel. Pam Ouellette had let us know about him and so we've been praying for him since just before Christmas. May the Lord give you His presence in a deeper way during this time. I'm so sorry for how hard it has been. May the Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace.

  4. Hi Tina, I am a friend of Pam Ouellette and have followed Casey's journey. Pam has encouraged us, her friends to keep Gabriel in our prayers.
    God is so good and sees this great need in Gabriel's life. He sent His son not only to save but to heal the sick. As I prayed and kept up with Casey's journey and see how God has touch her body, I am trusting God to do the same for Gabriel. I am asking and trusting that Jesus will give you, Gabriel's parents and his sisters, that peace that passeth ALL understanding.
    Trusting in Him,
    Beth Lamb from Sudbury

  5. Hi Tina,
    I am also a friend of The Ouellette Family, and have been praying with them through their journey. I just read about Gabriel this morning, and have began to pray for him and your family. God is such a great God, I pray that he will bring healing to Gabriel's little body, as well to you and your family.
    We will continue to pray for you each day!!
    I pray that the Lord will keep his arms around you all.
    Beverly Courchesne

  6. Hi Tina:
    I'm sorry to hear about Gabriels Cancer ,I pray every night for the day he is Cancer free. I wish you and your family only the best , I know you must be feeling as if you are on an emotional roller coaster, or in a bad dream. The feelings of shock, disbelief, fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and anger are all things you will go through , I'm sure by now you have felt all of these numerous times.When someone you love is attacked by illness, it is easy to want to blame someone, or ask “Why me?”. That helpless feeling that at times is suffocating.
    We (my family) has just gone through a two year battle with bone cancer and I have a very small understanding of what you are going through as I was very close to my nephew (spent a lot of time at the hospital and taking him to appointments)The frustations , the anger , the emotional breakdowns, living at the hospital ,eating crappy food , hearing my nephew cry , hearing my family cry ,the financial stress , it is a horrible stressful experience , but there were many moments that were wonderful , time I spent with my nephew made us even closer and these are the things that will get you through , stay strong , get Gabriel better.
    As I said before Gabriel is in my prayers as are you ,Mike Simone and Yasmine ,I wish a speedy recovery to your little man and wish you peace and comfort during this most difficult time.

    Troy Love

  7. Tina,
    I just got your site from Pam Ouellett. Our family has prayed for Casey from the start, and we will pray for Gabriel and your family as well! May our loving Father grant you peace that passes understanding in the midst of chaos. When overwhelmed I often go back to the verse where Jesus saw that the people where" harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." May he shepherd your family during this very difficult time.
    Laura, David, and Moriah Harman