Tuesday, June 4, 2013

1,572 days I Have lived and Breathed Cancer, but...

I look at my son everyday as a brave and heroic little boy, who has journeyed for half his life to defeat cancer.  This journey was long, this journey was traumatic, this journey will never be forgotten, and will always remain as a shadow upon our family.    The question and/or comment from people "that we can put this behind us forever to be forgotten."  I must share that I wish this to be true, but this journey will forever be apart of who we are.  There are doors that remain open with potential risks from treatment.  The headaches..."is this cancer?" The bruises on any of my children... "is this cancer?"  Memory loss..."is this from cancer treatment?" Learning disabilities..."is this from cancer treatment?" Organ function/failure..."is this from cancer treatment or is it cancer?"  These questions  speak to just a few of the continued concerns.  The questions...the fear... the unpredictable future...to bear this shadow for the rest of a parent's life for their children, without ever wearing this for your children to see.  How does one carry such a burden, but to live fully.

Hillsong sings a song that speaks to how I live fully so I am not held in bondage to the questions, fear, and unpredictable future that cancer has caused in my family.  Jesus will one day return, and this pain will never be present again as though it never happened.  I surrender my fears, pain and heavy heart to the only one who can carry this burden without fail.  He is the one that has provided me with peace when I felt like life here on earth was hopeless and dreadful.  He brings me laughter and joy that envelopes me. I have seen God's hand move throughout my life as a child to an adult.  He has never left my side.  His beauty is expressed in this world in many forms.  He provides this inspiration for me, even when I turn on the news to hear of others pain and hear of the stories my clients share. 

[Verse 1:]
The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me
[Chorus 1:]
In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
[Verse 2:]
Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me
[Chorus 2:]
In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath
And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way
[Chorus 3:]
Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath
I lift my hands to heaven to thank my Heavenly Father to be an enduring light upon my feet as my path was guided by Him.  I lost sight on Him when I only saw what was in front of me, but when I closed my eyes to this trauma and looked to Him...I FOUND HOPE.  My faith in Him, and not what I was presently walking was the only way I was equipped to be steadfast and strong.

I write this post 1, 572 days later, which is how many days it has been since my son was initially diagnosed with High Risk Leukemia with a MLL Rearrangement (markers with both AML and ALL).  This is equal to exactly 4 years, 3 months, and 22 days. It is also how many days to his re-birthday.  June 1, 2013, was the day we celebrated our son's re-birthday.  It is the day he received his bone marrow transplant.  It is the day we celebrate him for fighting a fight with love, positivity, and hope.

Thank you God for always being here to carry us through this journey.  I continue to seek your face and pray for continued health in my son.  I pray that one day he will share his testimony to encourage others and glorify you Heavenly Father. 

Happy 1st Re-birthday my wondrous and amazing son!  4 years, 3 months, and 22 days...fighting cancer... One year post-transplant...   I am a proud mommy!  I love you my son!  I love my Girls!  I love my husband!  My family endures...