Monday, March 30, 2009

My Honest Struggle

I just put my children to sleep for their nap. I was hoping to do something for myself, but once again, I am drawn to everything that keeps me reminded of the fight that Gabriel and our family faces everyday. I feel quite tearful today as I am reminded that life is so different. I just want to be with my children all the time, without the extra pressures of my lawn, housework, laundry, meal planning, bills, etc... We all of have to face these responsibilities each day, but for me they have become a burden and a hassle. I wish that all these particular areas could be put on hold, so that I could be with my children without these jobs in the back of my mind adding extra pressure. I wish everyday that I could go back to life where these were the only burdens I faced. Even though these familiar life tasks continue to remain they do have a new sense of meaning. These tasks may continue to be a part of life, but I am now reminded of how insignificant they have become compared to the journey that we are currently walking.

I had the blessed opportunity to read a parts of blog from an individual following our blog who shares the the pain of a child suffering with leukemia. One of the statements that was shared in this individual's blog was the following statement that I have often heard too. "God does not give you anymore than you can handle." We know that the intent of this statement has well intentions, but I would like to quote this individual's blog statement as I could not write it any better. "What it means to me is that God has "blessed" us with this trial because He knows we're strong, stalwart individuals whom He has especially chosen to prove to the world that we can take whatever comes our way. " As well, I am including another blog taken from this post by a Pastor's wife who stuggled with a daughter's heart problem since birth. Please read this post at
I, too, share the very same thoughts posted in both of these blogs. This journey is too much for me to bear, I have no control, I have no choices, and I hate every trip to the hospital. I hate this journey. I have been teaching Gabriel not repeat the word hate even if others say it as the meaning relays something so strong. Today, this is the only word that defines how much I truly feel about this journey. I have no choice as I would do anything for my children. When I was pregnant with Gabriel I had a belly casting done so I could remember those precious moments of the miracle that God has given me to carry and give birth to each of my children. Upon the casting I placed this popular quote by Maureen Hawkins "Before you were conceived I wanted you, Before you were born I loved you, Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." This quote remains in me and will for my entire life. I can't bear this pain because of the love only a mother can feel for their child. For one of the many reasons I lean upon our Heavenly Father so that He will bear this for me. I am not strong enough to do this journey on my own. Therefore, this statement above is reflected incorrectly because if it wasn't too much to handle then why would I even bother giving my pain, my worry, my fears over over to God. I want this journey to never have started so I could have the normalcy of life. I don't want to have to worry about my son's neutrophils and I don't even want to know what a neutrophil is. I want to be able to take my son to a busy movie theatre and to any place we want to take him. However, we can't! This is my new life and I have no choice. I cannot and will not do this journey on my own. I have needed God for many things in my life, but I cannot bear this at all without God directing my path and my thoughts. "I am weak, but he is strong." Please continue to pray for strength in me as I cope and deal with this journey. Thank you for being a part of this emotional and faith building journey I am taking.

Thank you Aunt Bertha for reminding me about the song "Safe in the Arms of Jesus."

1 comment:

  1. Just wanted you all to know we're thinking of you and praying!

    Paula and Rodney

    James and Amandas Brother and Sister in law....