Balance is the Midst of a Storm

Most days our life exists of taking care of our children as all families do each day.  However, our family has the additional journey of cancer that affects “850 children per year in Canada” (http://www.cmaj.ca/content/180/4/422.full).  This statistic is hard to fathom, but researchers indicate that children still are affected less compared to adults. No child should suffer this disease and no family should suffer all the dimensions of this disease.  The question of balance does come to my mind a lot as I think of the many roles I play each day in my life as a wife, mother, my family roles (sister/in-law, daughter/in-law), friend, and social worker.   I want to know that I have done the best that I can in every role in my life, but this disease has caused me to realize that my expectations of balance has to be lowered in order that I show my children that life is what you make it.  I know with this journey that it is hard to maintain consistency in all my roles, and I have learned that all that matters is I do the best that I can in my circumstances.  We have choices to be positive, happy and to see our blessings no matter what our journey may be. 
Balance is a thought that all parents at some point during the life of parenthood question. These areas include:  balancing work versus family, independent needs versus needs as a couple, time spent with your children versus time as a couple, time spent with immediate families versus spending time with your own family, etc.… I am sure there are so many to add to this list that most families have to consider.  At this stage of my life the most significant balancing act that I face is the balance between feelings of overwhelmed, fear, and sadness versus creating happy, cherished and blessed moments.  My balance at the end of the day is to have more positive memories than the negative moments that are inevitable in this journey.  How can I create life of blessings in my family that surpasses what cancer does to a family?
I have been asked how do I walk this journey everyday.  I don’t walk this journey everyday on my own.  I walk it knowing that my Father in heaven whom loves my family is holding us close wanting to carry my fears, sadness and worry in his arms.     

Psalms 34:17-19 states “The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.  The righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one.” 

I do not understand the “why” of cancer in children and have cried and have been angry at God many times during this journey when I have heard and seen my son cry out in pain.  BUT, I do know that in this journey only good will come one day that will glorify God.  I trust in God that one-day we will look back knowing that I believed, was faithful, and see all that God is doing in my life and my family’s life.  I don’t know what is to come for the future, but I know one thing for sure that I cannot walk this journey alone.  I am only strong because my faith in God causes me to be strong and peaceful.  All credit goes to our heavenly Father above. I do not have the words to describe the peace and strength that has been provided when I am obedient to his word, faithful and seek him in all that I do.  I certainly have my days when this load gets heavy and I fail, but I am soon reminded that I don’t have to carry this load.  I am human with many weaknesses and faults that only through God can I surpass these frailties. 
There are days that I have to make hard decisions and it hurts every part of my being.  Today, my youngest daughter woke to the flu.  My son also had to go to the hospital to receive an injection of chemo in his leg.  This aspect of his protocol is the worse part for my son.  There have been too many days in the past that I had to be away from my daughters when they were sick so I could be with my son at the hospital.  My son places all his trust and strength in me, and when I am not there he cries in fear and more pain that my heart breaks.  I made the decision today with the knowledge that this journey is long that I need to encourage my son to lean on his daddy as he does with me.  Gabriel’s dad had to be the one to attend today and without me.  I wanted to stay home to take care of my daughter.  I wish that I could take care of Gabriel, Simone and Yasmine all at the same time.  I had to make a hard decision that hurt so much today. Cancer ravages so much in my family’s life that leaves me feeling tired and always searching God.  I know it is good to search, but it is in those times that this weight of this journey surfaces and it takes all my strength to sit and pray.  There are days I don’t want to pray because I am certain it is because anger overtakes.  However, I still subscribe to what I shared above even in all my weaknesses.   Some days it is really hard, and I sit in the quietness in my room waiting on God.
My son left today armed with a cozy shirt of mine that I just wore, his dad’s iPad to Skype me as he was getting his injection, and all my love in the “huggie wuggies” (my son’s words) I gave him before he left.  The hardest part was when I could not give him “huggie wuggies” as I heard and watched as he received his injection.  I know video skyping him today was helpful, but was not the same for him or for myself.  I am glad at least we were able to do that.  I was blessed to be able to snuggle with my youngest daughter when she was sick, and did the best I could to help my son.  All I can do is try my best, love, listen, encourage, teach, and support my children the best way I know how during and after this journey ends.   

UPDATE

Gabriel has completed two phases of his protocol.  He has just completed the first week of the next phase of his protocol, which will last 41 days.  The first month we will be in outpatient every other day.   Gabriel’s chemo is given through his port-a-cathe, and he will have to undergo 10 more leg injections.  Every Friday we will be at the hospital for almost 12 hours, so he can receive six different types of chemo and one steroid.  In addition, this chemo will bottom out his immune system to defeat the cancer and to make sure it does not return.  Gabriel will undergo radiation later in his protocol and at the end of the 41-day cycle may be when his transplant may occur.  At this stage, we have not heard anything about finding a donor.  They begin a computer generated search Locally, Provincially, Nationally, and then Internationally.  I am certain we would have heard if there was a match by now if it was Provincially and, even Nationally.  There are many parts of this protocol that are uncertain based upon many different outcomes and facets for my son.  We just take it day-by-day, and sometimes week-by-week.  

THANKFUL…

I am so thankful to Jacob’s Story (www.jacobsstory.ca) for taking the lead to support us through fundraisers and by organizing a food schedule through food tidings.  I am so thankful and humbled by the gracious support of everyone who has made or will be making us a meal.  Coming home to a meal after a long day makes me feel blessed and honoured that everyone is doing this for our family.  
We want to say thank you to all those that have supported us with gift cards to help us financially.  In November, we thought everything was going well with our son and decided to become a part of an opportunity to partner and purchase a commercial property for our businesses rather then throwing money away in two rentals.  One week after we gained ownership of this property we were given the news that our son’s cancer returned.  I was working 15 hours a week, and my husband was working a full week.  Now, we have the responsibility of 1.5 properties.  Now, I work 6 hours a week and my husband takes one day off at work and is home early other days to help with the hospital schedule.  It was a sad realization that our life changed in a matter of moments in so many ways that we had to determine a plan.  This small summary of our circumstances is what caused me to reach out.  Jacob Story responded and will be helping ease some of this burden through fundraisers and the continued schedule of meals.  I just wanted to express my gratitude to everyone.  When Gabriel was diagnosed in 2009, we did not reach out.  We isolated ourselves, and it made this journey hard.  This time…I realized I could not do this again in isolation.  It is the hardest thing for me to do was to ask for help.  Thank you so much to everyone for responding.
Thank you to all my friends and family that have provided support through gift cards, cards and gifts to bring us a smile.  I hope you all know how grateful I am for your generosity.  I hope one day that I can give as many people that I see a hug and a personal thank you for your amazing support.  

Thank you to Kyra, my best friend, for coming to spend the day with me at the hospital.  Your act of kindness touched me as you unselfishly gave up a day of work to come help me and to make my children smile.  Thank you to my family for being here to help and support us.  We love seeing you at home and at the hospital, and this time is precious to us.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THE FOLLOWING:

1.                  To help Mike and I grow together and not let this journey cause tension.   

2.                  Guidance and wisdom when the time comes when Mike and I have to make a decision concerning chemo or transplant. 

3.     Health of our daughters

4.     Healing for Gabriel

We love you all, and thank you from the depths of my heart.

Bravery

My son is often defined as a boy with great strength and bravery.   My son has recently lost his hair, which is the everyday reminder of this painful journey.  When my son had hair it helped me to block the thoughts and images that this journey brings to our family.  However, his hair is now gone, which I will be reminded every time I look at my precious son of what cancer has done to my family. 

Bravery is defined as “having or displaying courage, resolution, or daring; not cowardly or timid,” and so it this definition that describes the essence of my son’s response to cancer.  He may not understand the depth of what cancer is or can cause, but he has chosen to respond in a way that is beyond his own understanding.  My son undertakes this journey with grace, strength and perseverance.  My son does not scream, my son does not shake, my son does not hide, my son just looks at me and grips my hands and says, “mommy, I am scared, but I know this will be done soon.”  He faces this pain with the only word that summarizes all that he has had to become-brave.  It is not the fact that he has cancer that makes my son brave.  It is his innate nature of how he responds to this terrible adversity.  He is admirable at a very young age, and he is my greatest hero.  I may experience this pain as a mom, which is a pain unlike any pain in this world.  However, when I look at my son he reminds me that as a family united we can conquer this journey together.  He has such beauty that I feel blessed to be his mom.  He is my son, and I hope he comes to know one day that he is growing to be like Jesus at such an early age.  I want to end with a poem that I have placed on our shirts for the Relay for Life as it is a good reminder for myself and to all those that read my blog.

What Cancer Can’t Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love. 

It cannot shatter hope. 

It cannot corrode faith. 

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence. 

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories. 

It cannot silence courage. 

It cannot invade the soul. 

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the spirit. 

It cannot lesson the power of the resurrection

CANCER IS JUST A WORD….NOT A SENTENCE.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”         Deuteronomy 31:6

On my Knees as I Suffer

Obedience and Self-Control

It seems interesting to post a blog about two areas of such great difficulty for most of the human race.  Obedience and self-control was my devotional for today and one that I have to learn over and over again.  We all face what seems like the impossible at some point in our lives and for some many times over.  Everyone has various areas in life where obedience and self-control should be a framework to live by, but often are two words that are placed on the shelf and forgotten.  Obedience is a strong word that is often misused for terms such as control and dominance.  However, when placed in proper perspective and appropriate relational roles it has a profound effect.  As a child of God, I am called to obedience to His word and to have self-control.  I must say that many times in my life I have failed a lot in these two areas.  Lately, my self-control has not been prevalent when I say such statements as “I hate life,” easily triggered emotionally when I feel anger and sadness.  I know some may read this summary assuming it is a fair way to experience a life when you are a parent to a child who suffers with cancer.  Yet, I am called to exemplify Jesus who died on the cross for my sins.  Jesus was perfect in every way, and though Satan tempted him He still prevailed. At this stage of my life I am not prevailing in much as I have let negativity, insecurity about the future, and peace be robbed from my home.  The first time Gabriel was diagnosed was shocking. I would define the first year as responding in a robotic manner during treatment days.  Gabriel’s relapse feels as though life is overwhelming, unfair, and that there is no end in sight.  It is taking everything in me to wake up, be mentally healthy for my children, to hold on to my marriage when some days as a result of Gabriel’s relapse we are struggling.  Most days I struggle with finding hope as fear overtakes my entire being.  I do not want to lose my son.   

BUT, two evenings ago in the shower as I cried out in desperation to Jesus as this fear overwhelmed myself and saw that my marriage was suffering…. An image of Jesus crying out to our Heavenly Father saying “why have your forsaken me” as He was left to die on the cross came to me vividly.  I was reminded that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. Did He do this in vain?  In the shower, I came to realize my faith was being robbed and that I was leaning on only my human strength, which has no power when you are a parent to a child with cancer.  Furthermore, our human strength tends not to have any great strength in the matter of human troubles. I was no longer trusting in God. I was not being “obedient” and had no self-control concerning my thoughts about the future and about my marriage.  I was watching things crumbling down around me.  These last two weeks have been the most difficult pain I have experienced.  To have only fear and no hope overtake oneself is something that no parent should ever have to experience about their child and their family.  I was not going to let the cross be in vain.  I decided in the shower that I would persevere through what I know and can trust, which is only through the Word of God. I am going to be obedient to God’s word and trust Him.  Proverbs 4:20-22 says “My son give attention to my words; incline your ears to my sayings; do not let them depart from our eyes; keep them in the midst of your heart; for they are life to those who find them, and health to all their flesh.”  I believe that God will one day use this pain to His glory.  The word of God states in Philippians 2:13 that “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”  I don’t want to go through this pain, and no parent should.  Nevertheless, I have to trust God has a purpose and one day He will be glorified in all His goodness. My strength in this journey comes from one place and only one place-to trust, to be obedient to God through prayer and reading the bible, and to commit to control my negative thoughts that this journey creates.  I pray this scripture from Isaiah 53:5 “he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we [Gabriel is] are healed. This scripture is my prayer.  I hope you too will pray this for my son.  I cannot say that I won’t have days where I feel frustrated, sad, suffer, and the many emotions that this journey brings, but I will make one powerful change.  I will not bear this pain on my own, as I know my Father in Heaven hears this pain.  I will take it to Him and pass this pain to him.   “The Lord is near the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

I don’t have the answer to the question why a loving God allows us to suffer, but I do know that suffering comes and is a part of the human condition.  We have all suffered, are suffering, or will suffer.  Life does involve joy and sorrow, comfort and hardship.   I may not know how to solve the mystery of suffering in this life.  I have come to learn that as I consider the many dimensions of this pain that I have come to understand myself in deeper ways, have learned to talk with God about my feelings, hurts, and my relationship with God has deepened.  I don’t want to suffer, especially with one of the greatest suffering one could imagine.  To suffer as a parent over your own child is one that should never happen.  Scripture instructs us to come to God “casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you (1 Peter 5:7).  God accepts all our suffering without conditions and takes ownership for this pain we entrust to Him.   That night in the shower I reached the bottom and realized I was helpless without Him.  I surrendered to God in my broken state as I looked around my home that once gained back peace this past year, but was now on the verge of being torn apart.   My home is to be a place of peace and one where God is a part of our walk, even when we suffer.  I want this for Mike, Gabriel, Simone, Yasmine and myself.  The only way to be in this world is to walk with the Lord. The "peace" you receive when you suffer is indescribable when you have the Lord in your life.

Update about Treatment

We recently found out a few days ago that Simone and Yasmine was not a match for Gabriel’s bone marrow.  Mike and I are partial matches, and there is new research developed concerning parents being bone marrow candidates with their children.  The question that comes to my mind is that I don’t know whether I am willing to risk my son’s life based upon new research.  Alternatively, our Oncologist, through e-mail over the holiday season indicated that we might use Simone’s stem cells that we banked when I gave birth to her.  If I was to offer any recommendation medically to all those reading this blog I would highly recommend banking stems cells from the umbilical cord as you never know what the future holds.  At this stage, Gabriel begins intensive chemo Tuesday, January 3^rd (tomorrow) and is admitted to London hospital for five days.  Mike and I tried to read his protocol, but were very different to his previous protocol.  In addition, this protocol has never been used at London outpatient, which means Sick Kids and London speak regularly about this chemo regiment.  Gabriel receives various chemos over a course of five days the first week. We are then home the following week, and then admitted again for another five days.  A this point, it appears of what we can read of the protocol we will be admitted two weeks each month as inpatients for a period of three months.  The protocol for treatment will be discussed tomorrow.  There is still discussions occurring about Gabriel undergoing a bone marrow transplant, but at this time we are uncertain.  If Gabriel does undergo a transplant he will still receive chemo and radiation, but for a shorter duration in preparation for the transplant.  In addition, Gabriel will have to receive entire body radiation prior to the bone marrow transplant, which we were advised that he would be considered infertile.  This risk and many others are apart of this process whether it is entirely chemo or transplant.  The chemo/radiation protocol is two years of treatment.  We are still in the midst of discussing a transplant because it holds the highest rate of cure.  These details are hard to share, and are only the superficial details.  These details don’t tell the entire story of treatment. 

Parents who have travelled a similar journey with their child can only understand this story.  Mike and I never expect anyone that does not share similar circumstances to understand or have the right words to share.  We just appreciate and love that you want to listen, hug and support us however we need it without judgment or expectations.  We thank you that you spend time reading this blog, and want to help however you can.  We truly thank you with all sincerity for your words of encouragement, reading this blog, and anything you do to help.  We love you all!

I Keep Trying to Look Up

I never thought that as 2012 approaches that I would have to re-experience the pain and fear that coincides with this journey.  This past year we felt blessed as Gabriel was beginning to live the “normal” life of a little boy.  He was playing soccer, swimming, playing with friends, and school. He was full of life.  He smiled.  He played. He was living.  Now…  life feels unfair, as my son’s life is ripped apart.  He no longer gets to be a little boy.  He has to understand this complex journey with a mind of a child, but with the strength that most adults cannot conceive.  I cannot conceive this strength and bravery that one must have to conquer cancer.  How do I help my son be happy and feel normal during this adversity? How do I be a mom to all three of my children providing a balanced amount of time to each child so they all can grow with greatness, love, and a beautiful spirit during a journey with cancer?

I am reminded that my answers can only come from the one above-our Father in Heaven.  My greatest strength has been my faith in God.  This journey tests my faith everyday, and some days I fail.  I am reminded during this time when fear and worry overtake me that I must trust the one whom carves my footpath.  Romans 8:6 states, “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” I need peace at this time so that I can be a mom that encourages, listens, and teaches what is honorable and glorifies our Heavenly Father.  I want to dream great things for my children.  This life causes one to live in the moment.  I don’t want to always live in the moment.  I want to dream big dreams again for my children. My dreams sometimes feel like nightmares. 

I need to keep looking up.  It is up that reminds me there is life when we pray, read the word, and look for the blessings amongst the pain.  I believe there are blessings.  I just feel tired of this pain.  I want this pain to end.  I want to know that I will be able to hold my son in my arms until I go to be with our Heavenly Father.  I don’t want to fear the reverse.  I need to have Faith amongst the unknown.  The greatest tool that overcomes all is faith in God. 

Dear Jesus,

I pray for the strength that only comes from you.  I pray that I exemplify you and your humble spirit.  I pray that I can hold my son close for years to come until I am old and come to live with you.  I pray that the doctors are wrong when they tell me that he will never have children of his own.  In spite of all the pain that goes with this journey I would never change the gift that you have given me in Gabriel, Simone, and Yasmine.  I pray, Dear Jesus, that Gabriel is given this same gift of the greatest gift in life of all-children.  I pray that he is given freedom to live his life to the fullest without long-term harm to his body, mind or spirit.  I pray that this journey will be used to glorify you and bring people to know you.  I pray for healing.

                                                                                    Amen (Let is be So).

First Week of Relapse

This journey has been a difficult time as I never fathomed I would hear the words “relapse.”  However, I have and I need to regain my composure to begin treatment in a different and renewed way than previous years.  I am not sure what this will look like, but I know it has to be different.

A summary thus far during our first week of relapse Gabriel has undergone two LP’s to decrease the leukemia blasts in his central nervous system (CNS).  This treatment has worked, and has reduced the blasts.  He also received a second round of a triple dose of chemotherapy where three different types of chemotherapy were injected into his CNS.  He had his bone marrow tested to determine whether the cancer spread.  It has not, which is great news.  However, our treatment course is based upon two possible paths because he does have cancer in his CNS.  One path is chemotherapy for two years based upon a German protocol that is new to our Outpatient clinic, but known for better results for a CNS relapse so close to completion.  The second path is for a bone marrow transplant if Simone and Yasmine match Gabriel.  The treatment path will be based upon Mike and I deciding upon the best for our son, which will take much research, questions to the transplant team and lots of prayer.  We are advised that bone marrow transplant would be a more curable prognosis, but there is much risk.  Please pray for Mike and I to have clarity, wisdom and to make the right decision.

I will continue to post so that I can share our journey with you.  I do appreciate that you all take some time to read my posts.  It helps me, and I hope it helps you understand our journey too.

Waiting...

I wait, and wait, and wait.  This experience tends to be the very essence of this journey. Waiting for the blood results and bone marrow from the first test that identified leukemia, waiting to find out whether Gabriel was standard risk or high risk to discover he was considered high risk based upon cyber genetics testing, waiting to know whether he is in remission, waiting to know whether chemo is working, waiting for June 2^nd, 2012 for the final day of treatment, waiting for five years to know that he is cured….but, now I wait…again… I wait in fear, I wait in sadness, I wait in anger, I wait in frustration, I wait to know whether cancer has spread to his bone marrow, I wait wondering if my girls are a match in case a transplant will occur, I wait as I also have to endure my girls being tested, I wait for FEAR of that word that is apart of this journey with cancer. I don’t want to fear losing my son.  I did not carry Gabriel for nine months to give birth to him to see him in pain, to be reduced to what cancer does to a person, to not be a child living and enjoying life.  My child suffers and I suffer having to watch without being able to carry him through this pain.  When will you return Jesus so that you can take all this pain away?  I wait…in pain, sadness, frustration, but I wait knowing this is not my home.  However, it does not change the fact that this wait is hard when you have a child that suffers.  I want to be reminded of your blessings upon my life, but I am filled with sadness and loneliness, as you feel so distant.   So, I continue to wait for answers from doctors and I will continue to wait upon you Lord…

I never intended for my post to be one of such difficulty.  I had intended writing a post just after I uploaded an article from David.  My blog was going to be one where I rejoiced in all the blessings that have been a part of our life over this past year.  It was going to be a blog of great happiness from our Make a Wish trip, Camp Trillium and our 2^nd annual Christmas cabin trip.  I felt very thankful to our Heavenly Father for blessing us.   However, all has completely changed in literally a matter of minutes.  I am thankful for this past year, but as I sit here writing this post it feels like a distant memory of long ago.  We went to Gabriel’s scheduled three month LP procedure that we have done with Gabriel many times before, and assumed all would be fine. 

We received a call on Wednesday from our Oncologist, which is rare.  Your gut sinks as you know when you receive a call from the Oncologist something is not right.  I was in session with a client and my husband banged on my door.  I knew instantly something was wrong.  I went in the hallway away from my office. My husband stated in tears “Gabriel has cancer in his central nervous system.”  I was instantly in shock.  All I could say was “what, are you kidding.”  I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that for a moment my mind wanted to believe this was a bad joke.  I quickly realized that I had to end my session with my client, as we needed to see our Oncologist. 

 We were advised that his treatment protocol could not be determined at this time until a bone marrow test is completed.  There are two options at this time for my son.  The first option if the cancer has not spread to the bone marrow is back on intensive chemo and radiation to his head.  The second option would be a bone marrow transplant if the cancer has been found in his marrow.  I don’t like either option.  When you are given options in best, better and ok, even though you don’t want any.  We want the best, which is where the cancer has not spread to his bone marrow.  Gabriel would require chemo and radiation, but no transplant.  A bone marrow transplant is very risky and life threatening. Our lives are transferred to Toronto with Gabriel having no contact with anyone except for myself and his dad for almost three months or until his numbers increase.

So, again I wait… I wait for Tuesday to have his bone marrow tested, and Mike, myself, and my girls to have our blood drawn to determine whether we are a bone marrow match, I wait for Thursday to learn of the results.  I wish I could end with the word “finally,” but I cannot.  I will still have to endure, as the wait is not over…  

Article by David Haas about Physical Fitness Alleviating Cancer Symptoms

Exercising has the potential to alleviate the some symptoms of cancer. Studies have shown that physical fitness can help patients that are undergoing treatments as well as assist those that are in remission. People battling all forms of cancer have shown some improvements with moderate exercise, whether it is breast cancer, mesothelioma, or prostate cancer.

Exercise is one of the most beneficial activities that cancer patients can do as long as it does not interfere with the doctor's recommended course of treatment. There is no certain type of exercise that cancer patients must do, so the basic premise to find some way to get active whether it is swimming, walking, jogging, or even Yoga. Exercises can be done for just 20-30 minutes sessions that occur 2-3 times per week to see results.

Here are some of the benefits of exercise for cancer patients

- Reduces the incidence of cancer

It has been reported that exercise can help reduce the likelihood of getting certain forms of cancer like breast cancer and colon cancer.

- Promotes muscle development

Exercise helps stabilize the body weight and promote muscle development, which is especially beneficial for those with cancer. Cancer treatments can make it difficult to maintain a healthy weight and muscle loss is quite common. Moderate exercise can help the body build muscle and stabilize throughout the treatments.

- Alleviates some symptoms

Exercise has been known to alleviate some symptoms of cancer as well as reduce some of the side effects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Many cancer patients struggle with pain, fatigue, depression, and nausea, but many of these symptoms can improve just by doing moderate exercise a few times a week.

- Increases energy and vitality

Exercise has been proven to increase feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence because it releases endorphins into the brain. These endorphins make the body feel more energetic as well. Given that cancer patients generally feel lots fatigue, stress, and depression, exercise will provide lots of mental benefits that will help them cope.

Generally, most doctors approve of exercise being used in conjunction with the other prescribed cancer treatments as long as they do not interfere with anything. Exercise has a lot of mental and physical benefits that help people across the board, whether they have cancer or not.

A Long Time Coming...

First part written in April…

It has been difficult to write a piece for my blog these past few months. There has been much to say about this journey, but have been frustrated with having to actually think, feel, and then share the continuous impact of this disease.  It seems that every time I went to write something that my written words could not even provide enough emphasis of the pain, anger, and fear that goes alongside this journey.   I came to a point in this journey where I began to realize that I was internalizing this journey with my son.  This experience of internalization meant that I was becoming someone I did not like.  I was becoming bitter, easily frustrated and lacked zeal. My peace began to slip away.  In January to April, I discovered I needed to reach out for help.  I was the one on the other side providing help, so I finally realized I needed to find a release so that I could continue on in a healthy way.  This was my first opportunity to truly cleanse from all the pain that I held inside to protect all those around me.  I shared my most inner fears of death and the fight that I had to keep holding onto so that my children and my husband did not have to experience most of this burden.  I was able to cleanse myself by just talking.  I did a lot of talking.  It felt amazing and to know that I was sharing with someone that I did not have to worry about burdening them.  I did not have to sensor what I was saying in order to protect their emotions.  I needed this opportunity.  I needed this cleansing.   I have realized that I took this burden and carried deep within to be the strength for my children and my husband, but overtime it surfaced as do all our struggles.  It took me a little time to realize I was at my most darkest hour and could no longer carry this pain alone.  I am thankful to this person for sharing a part of my journey with me by just listening.

I strive to make this journey full of happiness amongst the sad memories so that life will be less chaotic and unpleasant for our children. In addition, I strive “literally” each day to be at peace with our life and to continue trusting God.  This evening I was sitting in front of my computer and was triggered by a picture of lost friendships and the realization that life will forever be different.  This life is invisible to outsiders of this disease.  Unless, you are invited in to see such pain, fear and questions, outsiders could say that this fight is over and we have won.   I wish that this were true as I sit here today.  Everyday, I question when will this fight be over that I don’t have to look at my son and my daughters to question all that exists in their present and future lives.  The questions that won’t go away and I have to be okay with all these unanswered questions until the return of Jesus.   I struggle with hating this world, but trying to find love in a world where I turn the news on to hear such hatred surrounding God’s children whom he made in His image.  I know that I want to love this world, as there is so much to be done before Jesus returns.

To be cont’d…

Today, June 28^th, 2011…

I never posted the first part of my blog, as it was unfinished.  Symbolic of my life’s journey…unfinished as there is so much to do and people to help. I am glad for that.  I am honoured that God has called me to help those who are suffering. 

 I write today because I need to find my release.  Today, Gabriel received his Lumbar Puncture.  I really hate, despise these days out of all days of treatment.  It is the day that I have to watch my son be forced to sleep, to watch his oxygen levels so that he is still breathing, to watch to make sure his heart is still beating and that he wakes up.  I hate that I have to force him to wake after being “asleep” for too long.  “Asleep” is really a pseudonym, as I don’t really see this as asleep when forced.  I have had two scares during these procedures of oxygen levels plummeting, alarms going off and having a hard time waking him.  I don’t want these days anymore. 

Today, was even harder as I walked by one of the walls at the outpatient clinic to discover a little boy that we have known since the onset of this journey died.  A little boy that my son played with and a little boy that my son prayed that would recover and not have to go back to the hospital.  How do I tell my son that Sebastian lost his battle to cancer at only 7 years of age? 

Update about our Journey

Gabriel continues on maintenance treatment receiving chemo every evening at 10:30 p.m.  Sadly, maintenance is considered less than what he was completing during the intense phase of his protocol.  Envision this…When you are going to sleep we have to wake our son ever so slightly to give him his chemo every single night. 

In addition, he visits the hospital every two weeks to receive a medication through his Porte-a-cathe to prevent a serious form of pneumonia and once a month to receive another form of chemo called Vincristine through his Porte-a-cathe.  Every month for a straight five days he receives another oral medication, which is a steroid that helps stop the production of cancer cells.  Then, we have the horrible Lumbar Puncture days when he still receives chemo injected into his spinal cord.  

We are finally getting close to completing the chemo regiment.  This end is June of 2012.  We are looking forward to this aspect. 

However, please know that this does not end the fear that Mike and I will be experiencing at that date and onwards after completion.  We will forever have to give our fear over to God.   The end of treatment means concerns of relapse, concerns of what chemo has done to his body and mind, and what the future will look like.  We will need continued prayer to take this fear from us that it does not debilitate us as parents.  Gabriel will need continued prayer.  Nonetheless, I do want this journey to be behind us, and I know one day it will be.  I am confident and trust our Heavenly Father that this will happen.  

Smith Family Updates

We have made some changes in our life that have brought much happiness.  We have moved to Woodstock.  We have found our home that we will forever stay, raise our children and hope one day will see our grandchildren come to visit.  We have been creating such cherished memories for even such a short time that we have been here.  We have made such wonderful friends/family at our home church that together they pray and share our journey with us.  We thank them for this so much for their prayers and support.

I have been blessed with spending much more time with my cherished best friend.  She has given me much by just being here, listening and making me smile and laugh.

Gabriel has been attending school and doing extremely well.  He is also playing soccer, which he is also excelling in too.  He is our brave, strong and determined boy that fights an amazing fight.  You would never know that he was ever diagnosed with cancer.  He is my hero and hope one day he will come to know this of himself.

We are looking forward to camp Trillium the end of August and our trip to Disney world the end of September through Make a Wish. 

My girls are getting so big and are developing their own interests.  Simone loves ballet and playing with her stuffies.  She has become addicted to Build a Bear.  Simone is so affectionate and loving toward everyone.  We love her spontaneous hugs and how she goes around the table to tell her siblings and us how she loves us each individually.  She enjoys telling stories and singing to us.  She has a humourous side to herself that shockingly surprises us at the most unpredictable moments.

Yasmine is now 20 months and is quite silly.  She is determined in her own way.  She has been practicing putting on shoes and pants at such an early age.  She prefers to do everything for herself and gets quite angry if she cannot try first.  She loves to make us laugh and will try to find whatever she can do to make us howl.  Currently, she likes to roll her shirt up so that she can make her tummy do a wave motion.  She has also been known to randomly pull out some dance moves that puts everyone to shame.

We have come a long way since day one of this journey on February 10^th, 2009.   I am proud of our children and I am blessed that I have been given such amazing children.  Even though this journey is long and difficult, I have learned so much.  I have become stronger in-person and in my faith.  I pray that one day this journey and my blog will help others in both big and small ways.

July 18, 2011

It seems strange as this journal/blog continues and I seem to struggle at selecting the post button.  I have finally realized that logging my journey has in itself been a process of self-reflection and of honesty to those who read my blog.  I am thankful for this opportunity to create a blog, but have been trying to determine why posting seems to be more difficult.  Perhaps, I don’t want to continue visualize the fearful moments of this journey or that I don’t want to remind others about our journey.  This question remains.  I will continue to ponder why posting has been difficult. To end this blog and finally my post…I thank God that through this difficult journey I have come to see a greater love in our Heavenly Father that can only shine through when we allow Him to be apart of our journey in a closer and deeper walk.  This relationship also contains those painful moments when questions are unanswered, but it is through Faith that we gain an acceptance of our circumstances as one day we will rise to see no more pain, trauma, heartache, sadness, anger and conflict.  I look to that day earnestly knowing that there is much work here on earth to be done before Jesus returns.   I know many of you wonder how to help our family.  An individual at the Relay for Life in Woodstock made a great statement on how you can help...He said (not in his exact words) "We can do the medical stuff because we know this so well, but what we need from those around us is the emotional support.  We need people to hug us and to just listen to us. This is all we need." I share this same sentiment.  

I hope you are all blessed each day and look to the Heavens for strength and guidance.  Thank you once again for taking your time to read my blog.  Blessings to you all!