Happy 4th Birthday Gabriel!

Today, September 1, 2009 is very much a contrast from September 1, 2008. Last year we spent celebrating our son's birthday as any "normal" family would celebrate. This year my beautiful and courageous son spent his fourth birthday at the hospital for 12 hours receiving treatment. However, he continued to be our son who is full of laughter and spirit in spite of the day. He encourages so many people who get to know our little boy. His curious questions and his ability to find ways to cope inspire me everyday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OUR AMAZING SON GABRIEL!!!!!!

Treatment Phase

During the month of August and September we continue to visit the hospital either weekly or three times a week for chemotherapy. Gabriel is currently on the "Augmented Delayed Intensification" phase of treatment. The first part of this phase involved five various chemo medications through IV, oral and a lumber puncture. The the second half of this phase is more difficult as Gabriel will receive IV and oral medications. In addition, he will receive 12 leg injections back to back. This is the most difficult part of treatment for Gabriel and inevitably for myself. When my baby boy is hurting I am hurting. I have come along very quickly to show strength on the outside even if I don't feel that way during the time my son is in pain. My strength comes from God as I know he continues to protect Gabriel during treatment. However, we all have emotions that dictate our external responses to situations. Appropriate externalization of emotions is important. I, of course, as a social worker believe 100% that externalization of emotions through verbal and physical communication is an important process that both children and adults must do in order to be mentally and physically healthy. As a result, Gabriel and I enjoy discussing our different feelings about the hospital visits after treatment and reading books expressing feelings so that Gabriel knows it is okay to be scared, sad, mad, anxious, frustrated, etc... We often agree that we don't like our visits, but know they are necessary. As I hug my little boy during painful procedures we have repeated the same saying since the onset of diagnosis. We repeat "it will be all done again." Gabriel likes to be reminded that the pain is short and that there is an end. One day we will finally be able to say together "it will be all done...forever." This is the day that God's healing will be revealed. Gabriel is healed today. I have no doubt (Mark 11:22-24) about that! It is doubt and disbelief in our hearts that causes fear and worry. I won't doubt the truth of the Word. God does not lie. I know that our journey involves chemotherapy and have I to trust God's direction over this process. I cannot worry about the side effects or future repercussions because our son is in God's protective hands. We will continue to pray this over him his entire life into old age. I am so thankful to God for bringing us thus far with limited reactions and only one fever.

Thank you to everyone who called to wish Gabriel a happy birthday! I was overcome with tears to all those who wanted to bring a smile to Gabriel's face. We appreciate your amazing support during this time and for being patient with our family if we don't get back to you right away. We also want to thank everyone for being so vigilant at informing us if you or your children are sick and becoming proactive with washing your hands.

Upcoming Months

The next few months will probably we spent at home away from crowds based on the uncertainty about the swine flu and other infections. However, we will not live in a bubble and live in fear. We will take precautions without limiting our family too much. We will have a new little one soon, so our time will be spent getting to know our third blessing from God. This will be a rewarding part of 2009 and looking forward to our new baby. I have almost completed my Christmas shopping in preparation for my busy life with three young and busy children. It was actually lots of fun shopping this time of year. I had not busy line-ups or crowds. I feel very organized. I may continue this for years to come. The other exciting part of our life is that I have started homeschooling Gabriel. I spent all summer researching for the best junior kindergarten curriculum for my son. Gabriel would have started junior kindergarten this year, but based on the intense chemo he is receiving it would have been too difficult. Gabriel is so eager to learn that I wanted to encourage this instead of waiting until next year. He keeps asking me to read the calendar, the clock and wants to read books so badly. I will find him sitting with his sister pretending to know how to read a story to her. It has to be the cutest thing to see your two children sitting together wanting to read a book. I love it! I can't help but smile and feel so blessed when I look at them.

Questions about Swine Flu for the Smith Family

Many people have asked about the swine flu vaccination and what it means for our family. Therefore, I wanted to provide everyone with some information. Gabriel is not able to get the vaccination as it would not do anything for him at this time. I was never a proponent of the flu vaccination based on concerns about repercussions to our bodies with all of the immunizations we have received and do receive. However, when you have a child that was diagnosed with cancer you face a different set of questions. We have become more concerned about Gabriel being around those who are not immunized because our son does not have immunity to fight serious diseases that are control through immunizations. The chemo he has received has depleted his immune system from fighting the diseases he was immunized as a baby and toddler. We have asked what the procedures will be for children diagnosed with cancer and the response from the Oncologists is the following: "Anyone you want your child to be around must have received the flu shot and swine flu shot in order to protect these children." I know there are many people out there who do not believe in receiving such vaccinations and I can appreciate this at a different level. My goal is to protect my son and other children, which means I have to throw out my past concerns and realize that there was a whole other aspect that I missed prior to Gabriel's diagnosis. This missed aspect was the concern for families who have immunosuppresant children. There are many "behind the scene" decisions, routines and procedures that occur for families with children receiving chemo that often go unrecognized. For example, my daughter was just recently at the stage of receiving her 18 month needles, which included a chicken pox vaccination. Gabriel was given this vaccination and now has no immunity to chicken pox. Chicken pox is life threatening to all kids with Leukemia on treatment. If we were not going through this with Gabriel we may have decided not to have Simone vaccinated for chicken pox and do what so many generations have done by receiving immunity through exposure. Sadly, we had other details to consider that most "normal" families tend not to consider. We immunized Simone to protect Gabriel. I never thought I would ever have to immunize my one child to protect another. This was the hardest decision for me because it concerned two of my children, not just one. It stirs the debate "to immunize or not to immunize" that is presently on the rise. I have come to realize during our journey that society as a whole must be a part of this debate when considering whether you immunize your own children.

We do hope to see our family and friends over the next few months. We wish you all good wishes and health.

Thank you for spending time reading my blog. I hope I was able to update you all without overwhelming you. I always have so much to say, and try to do this with limited words when I can. I hope you all had a wonderful summer and looking forward to the new school year. Remember to see the blessings in your life everyday and to always be positive. Glorify God always in all that you do!

The Smith Family
(Mike, Tina, Gabriel, Simone and soon baby number three)

Our Journey Update and Fantastic Blessings

I have realized that I have not posted a blog in over one month, and I know many people wonder how we are doing. I continue to lean on God's strength at all times. I continue to have faith in God's word concerning healing for my son. "And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up (James 5:15). By Jesus stripes my son is healed and that is what I am reminded each day that I feel my faith being tested. I know that God will use this situation to glorify Him and I have to trust that each day I am at the hospital.

Chemotherapy Procedures

Gabriel is presently on interim maintenance, but with his previous reaction our commitment at the hospital has increased. We are at the hospital three days a week for a period of two weeks at a time. We get a little more than a week break, which means we are only at the hospital once during that time. However, this will change as we enter a new chemo phase for Gabriel and will last for two months. The next phase of treatment will be quite intensive with many chemo medications both orally, intrathecal and iv. The preparation for this phase included an ultrasound and baseline reading of his heart as one particular drugs poses a risk to his heart (rare risk). It is times like this that our fears can surface, but I know that fear is not of the Lord and only used by Satan to defeat our faith in God's word. We appreciate your continued prayers.

Many people ask how Gabriel is doing and I am thankful that he is coping well. His age protects him from fully understanding the severity of his disease, but I am glad for this. I cannot imagine Gabriel carrying the same mental health struggles that adults have to carry when confronted with being diagnosed with cancer. Gabriel has moments where he is angry before and after painful procedures, which is to be expected. Overall, he plays like a little boy should, asks questions like a little boy should and loves to be with his friends and family. He is a energetic, high-spirited, incredible little boy whom I am so proud of. He inspires me. I love hearing him in the back of the car singing his Sunday School songs. He misses so much attending Sunday school and asks when he can go back. We always tell him one day things will be different and he can go back.

The process tends to be more difficult for parents with young children coping through chemo. I have to endure holding my child when he is in pain and feeling so helpless that I can't take it away. Mike and I have to endure the thoughts that creep in each day that create fears of the future. I know that this journey has reinforced for me that if I don't seek God consistently through this journey and forever I can become mentally fractured and allow Satan's control to work in our family. I am thankful that God is in control and that I feel his presence each day as I certainly could not do this journey without him leading the way.

Relay for Life

I want to send a thank you to everyone for your support for our team in the Relay for Life in Tillsonburg. We had an incredible time and was empowering for Mike and I to be part of this great cause. As parents we often feel helpless. The Relay for Life was a great opportunity for us to do something proactive that allowed us to feel a sense of control by contributing to wonderful cause that seeks to change similar circumstances for families. Thank you so much for you help.
I want to thank my team for your commitment and raising pledges. We could not have done this without you. Thank you to everyone who pledged our team and/or the individuals on our team. You have contributed to a worthy cause and many families will come to know the benefits of this cause.

Smith Family Fun

During this phase we had many opportunities to enjoy various outings as a result of Gabriel's neutrophils being high. We have spent time camping at Port Burwell Provincial Park, visiting Point Pelee on two occasions for a day trip, trip to Niagara falls for three days, hikes, picnics in the park, visiting my parents in Wiarton, and spending time Mike's siblings from Alberta and seeing our family and friends. It has been an enjoyable time for us these past two months and has assisted with distracting us from the realities of our family life at this time.

Simone is growing so fast. She is our fearless, comedic little girl who brings us all to laughter everyday. She is trying to run more often and is saying many new words each day. I see a confident and assertive little girl who knows what she likes and dislikes and communicates this very well. We are so proud of her. She shows much concern for her brother and loves to give him hugs and kisses. Gabriel and Simone are inseparable. Gabriel does not like to go to the hospital without her. I must say that my favorite time with my children is our cuddle time. Both of my children love cuddle time with mommy. I am trying to figure out how to fit my three children on my lap, and will be determined to find a way. I am so thankful for each of my children and when I look at them I see God's amazing power.

Our new baby is ready to come on October 28th, and we are getting excited about our new addition. We were recently told in an ultrasound that they are 98% sure that we are having another girl. Exciting news for our family that will soon become five. The name search has begun, but a difficult task for Mike and I. We tend to choose names that are not on the top 100 names of the past few years. I have only made it through three letters of the alphabet and not much agreeable success. Stay tuned upon the delivery of our baby for the chosen name. :)

Thank you once again for choosing to spend your time with us by reading my blog. We appreciate this commitment as I know that life can be busy for everyone.

God Bless you all!

Difficult Times

I have wanted to post a blog earlier, but our journey has hit a few bumps in the road. It has been a tiresome two weeks for us, but we have survived yet another. I am thankful that Gabriel is young and cannot understand the dimensions of cancer. However, as an adult and his mother I know too much about this disease that causes us more pain than our own child. He is a little boy with high spirits, lots of energy and so much love. Cancer is too complex for his mind to comprehend and we are glad. You would not even know that battle that goes on inside his little body when you look at him. It is still often difficult for Mike and I as we speak to doctors and visit the hospital each week. We wish we had the ability to be like a child where no worries intrude our thoughts. My human side always has a way to inflict pain, misery and worry. I realize that the more this occurs I have not spent enough time in prayer and reading my scriptures. I know Satan is always ready to insert a negative thought in hopes to defeat my faith.

Our journey these past two weeks has involved admittance as an inpatient twice within two weeks. Each inpatient stay lasted for 3-4 days.

The Discovery

The first inpatient admittance occurred as a result of an anaphylactic reaction to a chemo medicine. Gabriel's reaction occurred 4 hours after his injection, which shocked most of the outpatient staff. I was resting inside after a long day at the hospital for a routine day of chemo. Mike took our children outside to play. I went to visit them out the deck and announce to Mike that their bedtime was approaching. Gabriel came walking up our back steps and I caught out of my peripheral welts on his head. My stomach felt sick at this time as I feared what this meant. However, I did not want to overreact. As Gabriel was coming back to see me I asked Mike immediately if he got hit in the head. Gabriel did not get hurt. As Gabriel neared I realized that they were not typical welts, but a reaction. I concluded further when I noticed his eyes were bloodshot. I quickly grabbed him and checked his belly for spots. Gabriel had the beginnings stages of hives. I quickly yelled for Mike that we have to go now. Gabriel was given his required dose of Benadryl to decrease his reaction until we were in Emerg. The scariest part for Mike and I was when Gabriel spoke his voice began to sound hoarse, which meant his throat was beginning to swell. We were thankful that the Benadryl took affect quickly and he responded well to this medicine. We were immediately admitted to hospital as inpatients so the team of doctors could monitor him for further response to this chemo medicine. This was our first experience in the ward with four other families. This stay meant limited sleep as nurses, heart monitors and much more interrupted our sleep. We were discharged days later and did not assume we would be back in hospital only one week later. We are thankful for the immediate response by the team of doctors and nurses.

Second Admittance

The second inpatient stay within one week resulted from Gabriel becoming febrile. A common routine is to check Gabriel for a temperature prior to putting him down for the night. He was fine at bedtime. In addition, I always check on my children just prior to going to sleep myself and throughout the night when I wake for a bathroom break or just to check on them. It was about 1 a.m in the morning and it was during routine check that I felt Gabriel's forehead with my cheek. I discovered he felt warm, but needed to check his temperature accurately. It read 37.5, but needed to wait one hour to read again to be sure. I woke Mike to tell him about Gabriel feeling warm and that we should check again in one hour. We set our alarm. When the alarm went off, Mike went to check and came back reporting a temperature of 37.6. This temperature for most children is fine, but for Gabriel it is an alert that we may have to go to emergency. Mike was uncertain about whether to trust this temperature, so I came to check. At that time, our thermometer was bouncing from 37.6 to 38.3, which is a huge difference for kids with Leukemia. We immediately called the Pediatric Oncologist on-call that evening. The immediate decision was to proceed to the emergency department early in the morning, which of course was now Thursday. I made the most difficult decision in that moment for any mom. The hardest part for me is to be the best mom to all of my children, in spite of the circumstances that I have been confronted with. It would be easy to give lots of attention to Gabriel for obvious reasons, but our journey will last many years and I cannot imagine missing out on my other children's life. I needed to stay with Simone as I get quite upset every time I leave her behind. It would not be fair to her if she was left behind by her parents every time we left for the hospital. I chose to not work full-time because I want to raise my children, not for someone else to do. I decided that Gabriel would of course be fine with just his dad, and that sometimes he would need to have only his dad and not me. Mike is a great father and I felt totally confident in Mike's ability to help Gabriel. I did not realize that as the night progressed how difficult this decision would become. It was the worse evening for me throughout all of this treatment.

I stayed home for Simone, not for myself as I did not expect to get any sleep after they left. Once at the hospital, Gabriel called me crying on the phone every 15 minutes. The worse feeling in my life was that I could not hug my own child while he was scared and crying. He kept repeating over and over "mommy, please come." I tried to talk to him, but he is only 3.5 years old and all he needed was me to give him hugs and tell him everything was going to be okay. Over the next two hours the calls got worse and worse as they began to take blood from his arm and his port. I try not to remember these calls, but they will haunt me for so long as I remember the pain in his voice and was not there to hold him. I know I stayed with my daughter for the right reasons, but at 5 a.m. I made the decision to briefly wake her to get read for our leave for the hospital. Simone quickly fell back to sleep and I was glad to be on the way to the hospital. Simone is such an amazing child that nothing seems to cause her any difficulties. Her disruption in sleep did not damper her spirits, but was soon off to sleep for the car ride to the hospital. At the hospital, she was thrilled to looked at the pictures of the animals on the wall and to lay beside her brother to watch cartoons, crawl on the bed or just chat in her own words. Gabriel was so happy to see both of us. I was happy to have not waited until our agreed time to leave. I know God has blessed us with amazing children, and our third child will be such a continued blessing that will complete our family. We were at the hospital until Saturday afternoon, which we were glad to be home. We were able to stay in a private room at the hospital as Gabriel was neutropenic and could not be around other people. He has been fighting a cold and cough at home. It was not so bad when his immune system was high, but his neutrophils began to plummet. As a result, his body was not capable of fighting this infection on its own. We are thankful for the hospitals stringent protocol for children with cancer, even though it is a difficult place to stay. We see so many young babies, children and teenagers fighting many diseases, which can debilitate your mind if you allow yourself to ponder such atrocities. I let sadness impede my thoughts for a few hours when I became tired of seeing a young baby continuously being left by himself. This baby does not have anyone staying with him and does not even get frequent visits from family or friends. I was told the parents visit infrequently. I asked if I could visit with him and the nurses indicated "of course." I was overtaken with sadness, and did not know what to do. I prayed for guidance. It seems so unfair for a child to be left with the continued change of nurses trying to complete their rounds. A child receives security through his or her attachment through parents or permanent caregiver, and this child appears to not have attachment figures, especially during a difficult battle with a disease. PLEASE PRAY FOR DANIEL.

We are back home and looking forward to some earned family time together. We are not sure what this will entail, but we are happy to be together outside of hospital grounds. Please continue to pray for strength, perseverance and healing. We continue to thank God for the strength he provides as we could be dealing with this journey very differently.

Future Changes

As a result of Gabriel's reaction to his chemo medicine we are now expected to be visiting the hospital more often. Gabriel has to receive another form of chemo, but this involves three needles a week over a two week period each month. I am thankful that the outpatient clinic (PMDU) in London as the staff is so gracious and helpful with both my children. The staff make is so easy for parents to bring their other children as I could not leave Simone behind this often.

Thank you for checking in on how we are doing!

Humbled by your Gift

I cannot express in words how humbled and grateful I am for everyone rallying together to create a beautiful quilt. I want to express my heartfelt thanks to my lovely and great friend Melissa for a beautiful and thoughtful idea and the work to organize and complete this quilt. You are a wonderful person whom I am so thankful I met 3.5 years ago.

I look at this quilt everyday and it brings me to tears knowing how wonderful you all are to have devoted your time to do this for Gabriel. When Gabriel is older, he will truly appreciate the love and support you all have provided to our family. Thank you so much. I love you all!

I have posted the final product for all to view. Please check this beautiful quilt out! Thank you once again!

In Honour of Gabriel's Journey-Sponsor our Team for the Tillsonburg Relay for Life

Hi Everyone,

It is very hard to watch your own child have good days, bad days and very bad days with his fight with cancer. This journey has made me feel as though I have don't have a lot of control. As a result, I wanted to find a way for me to feel as though I was helping towards the fight for a cure for cancer. Therefore, the best way that I could do this was to contribute a team for the Tillsonburg Relay for Life. I want to know that I am helping other moms and dad's who have children who are traveling a similar journey. I am hoping that all those who log on to my blog would pledge a participant or our team.

You can do this online at our own personal Relay for Life website by selecting pledge a participant or pledge a team at the following link: http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR?fr_id=3393&pg=entry

Thanks for supporting a wonderful cause.

Smith Family Pictures Online

I just wanted to let everyone know that visits our blog that you can access our online photo album of our family at http://mikeandtina.myphotoalbum.com

I have finally been able to receive high speed Internet out in the village of Mt. Elgin, so I can now upload pictures. I know I enjoy seeing pictures online of my family and friends, so I thought it would be a nice way to visit our family since we don't always get to see you all.

The album was started after Gabriel was born and has continued through the years. Thanks for taking the time to think of us during this time and checking out our blog and online album.

Love always,

The Smith Clan

New Phase Update as of April 21st, 2009

On Tuesday, April 21st, we went to the hospital for blood counts to determine whether Gabriel was able to commence the following phase of treatment. We did not know what to expect with his blood counts as we were told previously that it would probably take longer for his counts to rise. This information comes from people who have years of observing and treating various ages of children ranging from babies to teens. Expert knowledge can cause us to sometimes lead us to forget that God is more powerful than those experts that specialize in cancer treatment for children. We discovered this truth when our Oncologist was delightfully surprised that his numbers increased quicker than suspected. In addition, they rose higher than the commencement of the first phase of treatment, which also delightfully shocked our Oncologist. We thank God for these blessings during difficult times. It is these blessings that increase our faith when we choose to glorify God rather than simply base such fantastic news on coincidence. Thank you Jesus!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6-9 (NIV)

The following day we started the next phase with our 12 hour day. A typical day for our family at the hospital is helping Gabriel cope through his port access and then seeking ways to be entertained most of the day while we wait. Gabriel had three different types of chemo medications through his IV, but the long day entails making sure he is fully hydrated through IV fluids to protect his organs from the harsh chemo.

After we were done at the hospital we were excited about going out for dinner as a family to Applebees. Simone was with Grandma Bender for the day, but daddy picked her up after her nap so we could spend the rest of the hospital stay together. It was so wonderful to go out for dinner to appreciate one another in a different way. You begin to appreciate the small details in life when you go through such atrocities. After dinner we enjoyed a stroll in the mall and shopped at H & M, which was so exciting for our beautiful children. They could not control themselves and were dancing everywhere. It was quite hilarious to watch and brought many smiles. We had an enjoyable time as a family and look forward to more of our brief entertainment opportunities while Gabriel's neutrophils are high. We also don't have to go back to the hospital for two weeks, which is very exciting for the Smith family.

Thank you once again for checking in to see how we are doing. We do look forward to seeing you when time allows. Again, please don't hesitate to drop a line and we will try our best to get back to you. Please know that your calls and/or e-mails do help to know you are thinking of us at this time.