Honest Reflections

As I ponder about the last few months a few words come to my mind.  These words are joy, blessings, happiness, sadness, frustration, overwhelming and isolation.  These words convey a mixture of realities for our family.  I am sure we all face similar emotions in our families, but the difference for our reality is that they are all controlled by one facet.  It is the journey of walking hand to hand with your son as he faces a brave walk with cancer.  It is the moments such as observing our children hug and share how much they love each other that bring us joy and happiness.  It is in the moments that my children look to me and tell me I am the best mommy ever and that they love me sooooo much that brings me happiness.  We love the moments we get as a family to run around in our backyard using our imaginations and going for simple walks together to adore and walk in amazement in God’s miraculous creation.  Over the last few months since my last post we had a joyous occasion participating in camp Trillium.  Our children were entertained with our “special friends” whom we appreciated bringing smiles to our children’s faces.  Mike and I had the entire weekend while at camp Trillium to reconnect and spend time together while each of our children were with their “special friend.”  I was reminded once again why I love my husband and fell in love with him 11 years ago.  During one of our evenings together for a walk listening to the sounds of the night and chatting amongst ourselves we happened across another couple.  This couple shares in our love of the Lord and daily walk in faith while their daughter battles cancer.  This couple amazed us at their strength and faith in Jesus Christ and this glow radiated all through them.  We were glad to have met our new found friends and family in Christ.  We look forward to getting to know them more though there is a great kilometres between us.  I am glad for e-mail, phones, facebook and an occasional visit to keep in touch.

Our family was booked for Disney over the thanksgiving weekend, but this trip was soon cancelled after Gabriel spiked a fever.  We were saddened and frustrated that our trip to escape our reality for seven days has now been put on hold.  We were admitted to hospital for four days over thanksgiving weekend.  However, we enjoyed a lavish thanksgiving spread from turkey to amazing desserts.  This meal was generously donated by families who share this journey and volunteers of Childcan.  We thank this organization for sometimes the unrecognized giving you provide to families during a difficult time in our lives.  Our trip will be rescheduled once Gabriel’s counts are stabilized and once most viruses lay dormant so that a plane trip is less infectious.

Gabriel began his first experience of school routines in the world of education when he began senior kindergarten in September at a private school.  We are happy that we chose this school as Gabriel’s class has a total of seven children and no more than 100 children in his school.  The risk for infections is less compared to a larger school, so we are less concerned.  However, there is always a risk when he is in the community around other children, but we trust the Lord to protect him from serious infections.  His school has been extremely supportive and caring.  Gabriel has shown such growth in confidence.  He continues to amaze me as he shows such sensitivity, love, and generosity at such an early age.  His walk with cancer may have robbed him of some of his childhood, but it has not taken away the spirit of gratitude that God continues to teach him.  He is an honourable little boy whom God will have great things for him one day. 

 Gabriel is busy learning to skate and swim on the weekends and Monday evenings.  He loves sports and does bring out his competitiveness.  The process of signing Gabriel up in activities involves the same as we did for school.  It is never an easy process as it takes meetings and letters to all parents.  I am sure many ask why we bother if there is a risk to Gabriel.  My response to this statement is that mental health is just as important as physical health.  I cannot and will not limit Gabriel’s growth.  I want him to experience life.  I don’t want this disease to debilitate his mind.  I want him to have fun and gain confidence in himself.  I don’t want cancer controlling all elements of his life.

Simone is busy participating in swimming and ballet on the weekends.  She loves ballet and calls this her school.  My little girl is gracious, kind and loving.  Simone seeks to ensure that people who are sad are lifted up with a smile, words of encouragement and a hug.  She brings me to tears when I see such innate beauty that can only be a true gift from our heavenly Father.  She teaches me so much at such an early age. 

Yasmine is growing so much.  She is such a content and spirited child.  She loves to seek out her siblings to spend time and laugh with them.  I am excited to see what she continues to become and know that will be of great things because our heavenly Father instills great things.  We are made in His image, which means we can aspire to do great things through Him and for His glory. 

Mike and I have come to know this journey as one that takes an appreciation of the day to day.  There are moments when life is hard, sad and overwhelming and we find that every ounce of us has been drained.  It is those days that anger surfaces and finds its way to each other.  These days tend to align with long days at the hospital for lumbar punctures.  These days are hard as I watch my child be put to sleep knowing he is receiving chemo in his spine to prevent cancer.  Mike and I have come to appreciate that arguing about superficial and inconsequential attributes of life does not matter.  We try to seek compromises to such inevitabilities of life.  This journey has cemented our love and I am blessed for that.  It is not the particular method that I would have liked to have cemented our love, but I try to find the roses amongst the thorns. 

Mike and I sadly made a decision recently to stop attending our church based upon the increased risk to Gabriel.  During our short time back our family has been exposed to hepatitis, shingles, and chicken pox.  Mike and I made the decision to continue instruction at home together as a family.  In addition, Mike and I are looking forward to starting back at our home church.  I am also reminded that everything is in God’s timing.  The first day back to home church for Mike and I begins with the series topic called “suffering and the hard questions of life.”  This topic is the very topic that Mike and I struggle with each day as we walk hand in hand with our son who is fighting cancer.  We are thankful to Grandpa and Grandma Smith for kindly babysitting our children while Mike and I attend.  We thank you for your love and support.

Mike and I share sadness when we think of the friends that we have lost or have withdrawn from us.  This journey has brought much restriction, limitations and has taken a lot of our life.  We know there are friends who have struggled with knowing that a child has cancer, there are others that have not understood when we have had to cancel as a result of this journey and others simply by ignoring the very nature of this disease and just don’t want to acknowledge the journey we are on.  We have always put our family first, but since Gabriel’s diagnosis we have done so even more.  We want to thank those who have stayed by our side even when we could not devote a lot of time and had to cancel.  We value your friendship and we love you all. 

To our families…we love you and thank you for your unconditional love and support.  This journey has been made lighter as a result of your care and ability to leave all your expectations of us behind. 

We have not been able to be all things to all people, but I hope that one day we will be able to be there for you no matter who you are and the differences in the past.  Life is too short to carry burdens, pain and bitterness.  My goal is to continue learning how to emulate Jesus’ love and grace for all people.

Gabriel’s Treatment

Treatment has been frustrating and overwhelming.  Gabriel has been off of chemo four times as a result of viruses and his immune system dropping.  During maintenance counts are to be stabilized.  However, Gabriel’s immune system has been bottoming out and poses a great risk of contracting even the slightest infection.  At this stage we are concerned about infections that pose a threat to his life based upon the difficulty in stabilizing his counts.  A particular reason why his immune system bottoms out is from the high risk protocol during the intensive phase.  Gabriel’s diagnosis with a translocation leukemia chromosome resulted in a high risk protocol that has caused his bone marrow to become tired.  His bone marrow reacts more quickly to chemotherapy and drops his counts after a certain phase of treatment.  Our Oncologists is still testing dosage levels to determine the right amount for Gabriel so that his counts will stabilize.

We continue to walk this journey with faith and love.  We have days where this journey is difficult, but I am reminded that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins.  Jesus underwent much pain so that I and everyone else who chooses him and follows will have eternal life.  I cannot fathom the pain that our heavenly Father was feeling the day his very own son died on the cross.  God realized that through his son’s death our lives can be renewed so that one day we can go to live with Him.   

I would like to end this blog with my thankfulness, prayers and a special poem written by a dear friend, sister-in-Christ and confidant.  Thank you Rosalind. You inspire my soul, give me ears to listen and encourage my heart.  In love always!

Thankfulness

1. That God is teaching me to appreciate each day for what it brings.
2. Each of the beauty in my children.
3. For friends who have stayed by our side when there were many times we could not give in return.
4. For the unconditional love and support of our family.
5. That Gabriel and our family was protected from chicken pox, shingles and hepatitis.
6. For opportunities such as Camp Trillium.
7. Meeting our family-in-Christ at camp Trillium.

Pray for:

1. Gabriel to be CURED.
2. Protection over Gabriel’s organs from potential risks of chemotherapy.
3. Protection from serious infections and that Gabriel does not spike a fever that causes admittance.
4. Counts to stabilize.
5. No brain function damage from chemotherapy.
6. Strength and peace for Mike and I.
7. Growth in faith and walk with our heavenly Father.

This poem strikes my very thoughts concerning this journey that I am on as a mom to a child fighting cancer and the fears that I have concerning my other children.  These words touch ever cord and bring tears to my eyes every time I read it.  Beautiful poem Rosalind.

“No Answers Yet”

Mystery remains. Faith is necessary.
I step into that foothold even though a chasm stretches beneath me.
 I see as through a glass darkly. My eyes are dimm. I strain to no avail.
I have to trust, rest, listen to my heart. Listen to Yours. Rest in You.
 Like a seedling, awakening to warmth and light,
I reach towards what is right and good.
Trusting judgement, listening to that steady, still, small voice.
Trusting in goodness. Trusting Your Word
 Conditions, contrasting challenges, dark and light, turmoil and peace, right and wrong,
pain and comfort, injustice and justice, rejection and acceptance, work and rest.
I twist and turn, coiling, reaching upward, weaving through obstacles, grasping at handles.
I dig in deeper for sustenance. Rooting.
 Like a child quieted by a parents gentleness and loving care. I lean in and am held. Quieted.
 Darkness may envelop me but I am not lost.
 For we walk by faith, not by sight." (2Cor 5.7)

Thank you for spending a little time with our family even though it is through my blog. 

Blessings to you all,

Love,

Tina

Laugh, Love and Joy

Outings and Fun

I am reminded that my children are growing when I look at my pictures over the last few months.  I was told this quote "the days go by slow, but the years go by fast."  I don't think you can truly understand this quote until you have children.  There are days when I am not sure when sleep will come again, but when I look back at how quickly time truly does goes by I am reminded again to slow down as time does slip by fast.  A constant theme in my posts!

We have been enjoying this beautiful weather.  We have done much since my last post in April.  We went to Niagara Falls for a few days in May to stay at Great Wolf Lodge.  We had a blast and was reminiscent of the days before diagnosis.  Gabriel was accompanied by his cousin for this trip, which was so much fun to have him with us.  We have been doing some smaller trips to parks, and playing a lot in our backyard.  Gabriel has been practicing riding his bike that we just purchased this past month.  He seems like such a big boy as I watch him peddle around on the road as we walk.  Simone tends to walk when Gabriel is biking.  She could walk loops around our subdivision.  She seems to have a tremendous amount of energy, which she often reminds me of myself and makes me laugh.  I guess having 50% of my chromosomes may have resulted in something from her mommy.  It will be interesting to see what my three children will become, but right now I continue to teach myself to focus on the gifts that are provided in the moments.  However, one particular area of thought that both Mike and I share pertain to our recent conversation about the future.  This thought was triggered after our niece graduated grade eight.  We realized that this milestone will be significant for many reasons for each of our children.  A particular important attribute for our family is that we know our children have defeated and won this journey of cancer.  Graduations represent a completion to our family in so many different ways that even though I don't want the years to go fast I do look forward to putting this part of our life behind us.  The worries and fear will forever exist, but I am realizing that I must give everything over to our heavenly Father so it does not create a shadow of bitterness and negativity.

We just went camping at Pinery Provincial Park.  The evenings were quite cold, but lots of snuggling did the trick at keeping warm.  We enjoyed a few days together a way from home, but we were quite happy to be back in our cozy beds after two nights of chilly evenings.  We have also been spending lots of time at my mom and dad's trailer at Springlake.  There is so much to do for the kids at the park (splash pad, beach, boating, fishing, sports galore, and driving around in the golf cart).  The trailer park is only 10 minutes from our house, so it is very convenient and encourages relaxing and having fun with our children.

We are looking forward to our Childcan day at Wonderland, Camp Trillium and our trip to Disney World in October.  We also have a cottage weekend planned with Mike's side of the family, which will be fun for the kids.  Our annual Bender camping trip is coming up too!  This has been going for years now and all the children look forward to this time together.  My side (19 people) spend a long weekend at the Pinery.  Our summer seems to be booked with many exciting outings and activities.    

On the Homefront

We have added a clothes line and garden this year, which reinforces my need to be environmentally conscious and protective concerning what chemicals we ingest.  I love that I will be able to pick fresh vegetables.  I also love smelling the fresh air on my clothes and using less electricity to dry my clothes.  When I was in University I was always seeking ways to be an advocate for the environment and human rights issues.  Since I have not been in school my focus has turned to the best that I can provide for my children. I have learned that I can still find ways to meet this passion within the boundaries of my home/property via online and simply small changes to my own life.  I miss getting involved in activities, but in time this too will return.  One area that has returned in my life is the opportunity to go back to work.  After University, I wanted to make sure that my children would always remain first.  I realized I could not do this unless I stayed home full-time.  I chose to work one to two times a week in the evening in private practice providing individual, marriage and family counseling.  I love want I do and knowing that I am helping people with various stages of their lives. I have been back for two months, which has been great to be able to give back by helping others. The changes in my area of work pertain to specialization.  I am working on my Gottman Marital Certificate and researching specialities in the area of helping families with a child diagnosed with cancer.    I am not sure where life will lead, but I am willing to go wherever our Heavenly Father leads me.

Special People

I wanted to insert a "special people" piece in this blog as Mike and I have met many people over this past 1.5 years of treatment that are on a journey with childhood cancer.  One family in particular is Bob and Dione.  We recently met Bob and Dione at Springlake. Their son was born with no function in the left side of his heart, which he needed a transplant.  There is a high risk of cancer for post-transplant patients.  Their son was diagnosed with Burkitts Lymphoma. We share similar concerns and fears and has been wonderful talking about this journey with them.

We also think often of Connor and his family.  Connor is one-year younger than Gabriel.  He was diagnosed with ALL too!  We think of your family and wish you much happiness.  We hope that we will be able to get to know you more as you share our faith in God and many concerns that this journey brings.  We enjoy the updates we receive on your caring bridge website.  Thank you for posting to update everyone.

We also hold close to prayer families we have met such as Carla Garrett and their baby son.  We also hold close to prayer Jacob from Woodstock who was diagnosed with AML.  

Treatment Update for Gabriel

I always leave this piece to the end as I don't want this to be the overarching area of our family.  I must admit it is very hard.  Mike and I find our conversations always lead back to the discussion about this journey.  It includes treatment, past experiences, oncology doctors, our sympathy for others going through this journey, etc...  It seems there are so many areas of discussion that we have to look at each other and say "enough."  As for our journey, it does continue.  Mike and I know that most people don't realize that his treatment is still extensive with many difficult days, weeks and unpredictability.  Gabriel's immune system has been very low for over three weeks, which meant that he has not received chemo for almost four weeks.  Our anxiety increases as this happens because if a child during the duration of maintenance (Gabriel 2.5 years) is off of chemo 10% of maintenance it increases the chance for relapse.  If relapse occurs it also increases the chance for bone marrow transplants.  This is one of the two reasons we want people to tell us if your child or yourself are sick as if Gabriel gets sick all chemo is withheld.  This cannot happen if at all possible. 

Gabriel's medication regiment is quite detailed, which is shared between Mike and I.  Mike has to do the chemo as women in child-rearing years are not suppose to handle chemo.  Scary!  You realize how potent this medication must be if oncology has recommended for women not to handle this stuff.  I give Gabriel his septra (prevention medication for serious form of pneumonia) and his dexamethasone (we call it the grumpy medicine as it changes our son's personality drastically).  Mike has most of the medication protocol has Gabriel receives his oral chemo every night around 11 p.m. at which he has to wake him.  Every Wednesday night Gabriel then receives two different types of chemo meds.  In addition, once a month he receives chemo via his port-a-cathe and every three months a lumbar puncture to insert chemo in his spinal cord.   As I type this I cannot help but have tears well up in my eyes.  I tend to operate as a robot concerning treatment as this helps me get through all details.  When something different occurs (fever, exposed to a potential Hep A scare, chicken pox, scares with our other children) I am quickly reminded that this journey has its moments of fear and anxiety that have to be dealt with outside of my robot function.

Gabriel began chemo again one week ago and started off at 50% of dosage, but one week later was raised to 75% as the closer to 100% the better.  Our oncologist is still determining proper dosage so his neutrophils are not too high or too low. We pray that this is determined by the time Gabriel goes to school.   Gabriel has missed one month of T-ball and soccer as a result of his neutrophils being low.  This part makes us sad as he cannot just be a child.  He is back to T-ball and Soccer again, so it was nice to be able to see him run around. 

Please pray for the following:

1.  No Fevers and remains healthy
2. Does not Relapse
3.  No side effects from chemo 
4.  Protection over our Girls


Thank you for spending time reading this post and a small part of our journey!  Mike and I are gradually venturing out and spending time with friends.  We look forward to these moments will all our friends and family.

When it Rains We Will Still Make the Sun Shine

Each day as I look at my three beautiful children I am reminded that life should be cherished in the small moments. We often get caught up on completing our tasks for that given day and forget to stop to appreciate what each day holds. My children remind me to slow down! They have the ability to show me that life is full of much wonder and amazement in all the details of life. I am considered an organized planner from the very day I wake to the years in the future. However, these last few days have caught me off guard as I have realized once again that my life cannot be fully organized and defined as normal. I strive to make life normal based upon what society deems to be normal for my children. The truth betold is that our life will never be similar to the majority of families in society. We are reminded instantaneously how vulnerable our family is when our son can be playing one moment and then the next minute spike a fever that causes us to rush to the emergency department for treatment. Many families will not experience thoughts, emotions, and general life struggles such as: The fear the we have to always give over to God concerning our son's health and the concerns for our other daughters, insensitive comments by people as they truly don't understand what it is like to have a child diagnosed with cancer, the worry, the sadness, the questions of "why us," "why my child," how can I make this better, how can I make sure that our daugthers don't miss out because of this diagnosis, how can we make sure that Gabriel does not miss out, how do we protect him, how do we go about our life without so much focus on our family, and most of all the overwhelming feeling of what does tomorrow and the future hold. My husband, myself and our children live a life in unpredictability. One moment we are having fun and then the next moment it changes. We are reminded once again that life as it was before February 11th, 2009 will remain a memory that is gradually fading as more memories begin to replace that time when life was more simplier. I know that I cannot change our circumstances, but I CAN CHANGE HOW I RESPOND TO OUR PRESENT DAY AND FUTURE. My children will know that laughter, love and sadness our true experiences, and it is okay to experience all emotions. I will teach them that we make our destiny brighter when we choose to view life's circumstances as one that will help us grow and one day to help others. I will teach them through this experience the value of empathy for one another. I will teach them to love everyone and to never persecute. To reach out in love. Most importantly, I will teach my children that God loves them and has a Will for each of their lives.

A Different Life

My Thoughts about the Movie "My Sisters Keeper"

I have not posted lately, but there has been many times where I have wanted to sit down to write my thoughts about our journey. However, for many reasons I have not. One of the main reasons I have not posted is I have often felt lately that my words cannot express enough both the joys and pain of going through this journey with our son's leukemia diagnosis. Today, I sit here as the sun is shining and I am feeling a sense of ambivalence about my emotions. I feel happy about how far we have come, but also sad because I have reminders everyday of how life will forever be very different compared to any other family stricken with a disease that causes much concern.

Lately, I have heard many people speak of the movie "My Sisters Keeper" identified as a good movie. This movie can truly only give outsiders a very small glimpse into the lives of a family that deals with a child having cancer. It is interesting that most people who are not living the reality of this journey can easily describe this movie as great movie. A small part of me can appreciate that this movie may be considered a "good movie" based on entertainment value. However, a very different perspective may be given by a family that lives this life everyday. This movie for most "normal" families is considered a night of family entertainment that can be turned on and off. Perhaps, most people would be emotionally triggered by watching this movie, but after a few days would be pushed out of their thoughts. We and many other families who cope with a child that has cancer cannot just turn off the television. We don't get to watch a movie like "My Sister's Keeper" as entertainment value because we live this life every single day. We have concerns of relapse, side effects that could cause secondary cancers from chemo meds, and the list goes on. I fear that some individuals view this movie only as entertainment value and is easily shut it off without some afterthought as to how you could get involved in making change. I want to encourage everyone who reads this post, especially those who are not stricken with disease in their family, to reach out to someone or some cause that contributes to finding a cure for cancer. You may not be able to comprehend all factors of this journey, but you can contribute to worth while causes for change so that we can decrease the rate of cancer happening in children and families. Mike and I at this stage of our life cannot watch this movie. We have found it very interesting that there has been a few people not living this life have come out to make a statement about this movie, but soon after realized that this was not a good choice. Even the Oncology medical staff have went to discuss this movie and have realized their mistake. We can truly appreciate that you may not understand and we certainly don't expect anyone to understand that has not gone through this journey. In my opinion, most families who are on a similar journey as our family only expect family and friends to not disregard our journey, to be sympathetic and also allow us to be in our moments both good and bad when needed. Also, that we still know how to have fun and laugh, so we don't want anyone to be fearful that you cannot be yourself. We often find that some people fear telling us about their situation because it will only seem trivial compared to what we are going through. Please know that we wish to only be hear for our family and friends. We know that we all have struggles some greater than others. However, pain is pain no matter what the cause. The most important aspect of pain is to be able to share and talk about it so that it does not become internalized, which leads to much destruction to oneself and others.

I have days where my emotions surface about this journey that I am taking and find that it is hard. Our family could not have done this journey or continue on this journey without God's hand upon us. We have seen God's protection over our family from the beginning. I am still human and still have days where my emotions surface and remind me that it is hard, but I then have to be reminded of God's truth in his Word that says "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strenghten thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of righteousness (Isaiah 41:10)," and "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)." I don't always understand this journey that our family is taking, but I do know that our faith in God increases with every trial and tribulation when we trust God. My prayer is always for healing and protection for Gabriel and protection for our other children as Simone and Yasmine have a 4 times greater risk to get Leukemia compared to families without Leukemia. Most importantly, I pray for continued guidance in how my life can be one that glorifies God as we are called to do this act above all. I have to trust God that our life and this journey will one day serve to glorify Him. It is knowing this end that brings me comfort. It is when I lose focus that my burdens seem hard to bear. I intend to serve God wherever His will leads me. Please continue to pray that my eyes will be open and my ears listening to the Holy Spirit's prompts to fulfill God's will in my life and that all I do will serve to only Glorify God and never myself. I pray that my spirit will never be one of self-seeking, but only to fulfill our call as believers in Christ to fulfill the Great Commission of going in to this world to spread the teachings of Jesus Christ to all the world.

Our Journey as of March 8, 2010

Gabriel started maintenance almost one month ago. Our life has felt somewhat normal as we have been able to go in the community, visit family and friends, and able to attend such things as Disney on Ice and the ROM in Toronto. We even took our kiddos to Chucky Cheese's. We are overjoyed more than anything that we could start back to church as a family this past Sunday. We have been enjoying being able to get out with less concerns of infection. However, we still have to be cautious of certain diseases that could be in our community. There has been lots to organize upon our arrival back to church as our congregation has to be informed of risks of chicken pox and measles for Gabriel. We are thankful for the support of our church and have been working to protect Gabriel through many measures. We have done our part to inform people, so now more importantly, we need to trust God. We recently visited Gabriel and his sister's (when old enough) school and began the process of preparation, as it is similar to the measures taken for church. Gabriel is very excited about attending school. We are thankful that we are able to send our children to a small school called Trinity. Gabriel's senior Kindergarten class has only seven children and the entire student body at their highest is 100 children from grades 1-8. We had thought about this school prior to Gabriel's diagnosis, but was uncertain. However, with much to consider with his diagnosis, immunizations of kids at particular schools and our concerns about the public education system we chose this option for our children.

Maintenance thus far has involved mostly chemo meds given everyday at home, but with one day a month at the hospital to give IV chemo. This schedule sure is better after having to be at the hospital sometimes three times a week for a straight two week period each month for one year. The responsibility for chemo is placed more upon the family at home, so lots of responsibility for meds everyday.

This phase causes lots of different emotions. These emotions are sometimes insecurity because you are not at the hospital a lot with the care of the medical staff. We often read the posts on a website for parents discussing their children's progress with Leukemia. It is during maintenance that the fear of relapse surfaces. We had a scare last week when Gabriel spiked a fever without any other symptoms. Much fear surfaced that evening, especially after reading a post where a mom wrote that this was always a sign of relapse for her child. I am standing firm on my faith that Gabriel will not relapse. That evening as his fever was rising I prayed over my son. I know that many people look to medical explanations for events, but there are many times you cannot explain medically why things happen. We cannot give Gabriel fever medication because it can mask an infection that has to be treated immediately. My son's fever began to drop that evening within a matter of an hour. I tested his fever numerous times prior to praying (testing numerous times was done more out of fear), but after praying I began to see the thermometer numbers start to decrease. My husband and I don't know the cause, but we do know that God protected him that evening as he continues to do. His fever was gone completely.

The next two years will have days of concern and days of joyous celebrations, but I pray that my faith continues to grow. I pray that one day my life testimony will be able to serve God in ways that my flesh can not comprehend at this time.

Simone and Yasmine are getting big. Simone is a little over two and Yasmine is now four months old. The girls add so much joy in our lives alongside Gabriel. Our children are truly blessings. Our family of five has the typical family drama of temper tantrums, fights that make you wonder, and much more times of happiness and silliness. We are looking forward to the warm weather, camping trips this summer, cottage time and camp trillium. We also have been rewarded with a wish to be granted by Make a Wish. We are currently planning this trip this week and will keep you all posted about our wish once decided.

Thank you for spending some time reading about our family. We truly appreciate the time you take to walk a little with us during this journey.

God Bless!

Continuing on our Journey-Both Joys and Difficulties

It has been some time since I have posted a blog. For so many reasons I have not sat down to write this blog, but felt pulled so many times about sharing both our pain and joys since my last post. However, time has slipped by and here I am finally posting a blog update about our journey.

Mike and I have many moments of both happiness, appreciation of our blessings, but also much pain and sadness. This journey is one that is unpredictable. There are moments when you feel that the journey has become routine and we are coping well, but then a slight negative change causes us to have quick sense of hopelessness. I am soon reminded of God's love and protection that He has provided for our family since our journey began on February 11th. There have been many occasions throughout this journey where many of our family members have become ill, and our son never received any of these illnesses that would have caused him to be hospitalized. In particular, I became ill with the swine flu just after having my daughter. I became overly concerned for both my son and new daughter as they are both extremely high risk. The week I just gave birth to our daughter we were all separated as a family. My daughter Simone was with her daddy at his parents, Gabriel was with my parents at our house, and I was by myself with my new daughter. The week for me became a test of faith that I will never forget. I just shared with my husband that for many weeks prior to this difficult week I remember feeling/hearing the Holy Spirit tell me this exact phrase over and over for weeks "get into the word for there will be more to come." I did not want to believe I would have to go through more tests and pain. I ignored this calling and often times found myself too busy with my kids, feeling tired with hospital visits and being pregnant to read my bible and pray consistently. It was that week when I was sitting at the table alone at my parents I realized that this was the event that I was warned about. I was in constant emotional anxiety and pain that I could not focus enough to read my bible. Satan tempted me and caused much fear that week. I remember going to the basement at my parents house to play on the internet to distract myself, and the first thing that pops up on the computer was the two month old baby that died of swine flu. The very illness that both Mike and I feared for our son and new daughter. Satan's ability to stir fear happens in many ways and that week I was subjected to much fear that it prevented me from focusing on what is the truth only found in God's Word. God does not want us to fear. Fear is of Satan and of this world. God has shown us through this journey his protection over Gabriel and now our new daughter. Every time Gabriel's immune system has bottomed out our case manager has told us that she is close to 100% sure that Gabriel will be admitted to hospital with a fever. This is often the pattern they see at the hospital when children's immune system is suppressed. Every time I was told that by our case manager I prayed. Gabriel has never had a fever throughout this entire journey as a result of a low immune system. This occurrence is only a result of God's protection and answering of all our prayers and your prayers for our family. That week it reinforced the importance of gaining strength, trust and peace through constant devotion to reading the Word and prayer. It is when we let aspects of this world become more prominent that we open a hole for Satan to gain access to our mind. Satan infiltrates our mind so quickly with negative thoughts and fears we begin to lose focus on God's promises that are received when we have our salvation through Jesus Christ.

Prayers went out to God for continued protection during that week. God answered our prayers. "Have faith in God. For verily I say unto you, that whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not double in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, what things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them (Mark 11:22-24)." The only people in our family who did not get sick were the two people we were concerned about the most-Yasmine and Gabriel. Thank you God for your continued protection. Mike also did not get sick as the antibodies were working from the vaccination for him. Thank goodness as Mike and I know God's healing and protection can come in the form of medication. I became sick a day before I had my daughter with a cough and the symptoms increased after I gave birth. I remembering starting to feel ill with a fever and chills after my daughter was born. My weakened immune system during my pregnancy caused me to get this flu while out in the community.

I wish Gabriel was never diagnosed with leukemia, but one day I know Gabriel will be healed and will have a glorious testimony to share. We continue to see God's hands over our family and we thank Him everyday. We also want to thank you all for your continued devotion to praying for our family. My words cannot express how much we appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement.

Update on Treatment for Gabriel

Gabriel is close to being finished intensive chemo. If you remember from the beginning when I posted one of my first blogs I explained that Gabriel was diagnosed with a trans located leukemic chromosome, which resulted in Gabriel being on high-risk chemo protocol. This intensive chemo treatment is one year compared to children diagnosed with standard risk of only six months of chemo. Gabriel is completing the final phase, which is an intensive phase of chemo. He has had to undergo this particular phase twice during the year. Gabriel is coping very well in spite of all the he has undergone in 2009. His life is very different than most little boys, but we continue to remind him this is not forever. In addition, there are some medications that cause disruption in his personality, which is hard for his mommy and daddy to watch. He become sad and angers quickly. Once this medication is completed I soon see my sensitive, loving and smart little boy once again. It is difficult to see such changes in your children, but we continue to remind ourselves that this process is what kills the cancer cells. We have one more month left until we begin maintenance. The process for maintenance involves chemo everyday at home and visits to the hospital once a month. This phase will last two years, which is a long time. However, we are only at the hospital once a month and Gabriel's immune system during maintenance will not as compromised. Gabriel will be able to go to school and begin to enjoy life as much as he can. His life right now will always have hospital visits and more concerns for us than other parents would have for their children. We have become accustomed to this "new normal." We cope through God's strength and remembering that this to shall last only for a season and God will be gloried when all is said and done. We are looking forward to what the new year will bring for our family.

Most Important Blessing of 2009-Our Baby Girl

We were overjoyed with the birth of our new baby girl Yasmine Mia on November 1st-her daddy's birthday. She was one week late, which was rather surprising after many nights of trying to figure out whether my false labour was going to turn to real labour. We also took a trip to the hospital at 36 weeks as I was contracting every 5 minutes and my contractions lasting about 48 seconds, but soon found these contractions teetering off. Oh, the frustration! I experienced much of these false contractions for weeks, until I was soon annoyed and took things in to my own hands. I heard of stimulating oxytocin by using a breast pump to get contractions started. I decided I was going to try this measure. It took two pumps and my water broke. The contractions were tough, but I had a great support team to help me through so that I could meet my goal of natural childbirth. It was exactly 3.5 hours later that Yasmine was born. This was an adventure that will always be remembered. We are so excited about Yasmine as she has made 2009 a joyful year to remember, rather than a year of only focusing on our son's diagnosis.

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year in 2010. Thank you once again for checking in to see how we are doing at the Smith household. We look forward to being able to see everyone that we have not seen just prior to Gabriel's diagnosis.

Happy 4th Birthday Gabriel!

Today, September 1, 2009 is very much a contrast from September 1, 2008. Last year we spent celebrating our son's birthday as any "normal" family would celebrate. This year my beautiful and courageous son spent his fourth birthday at the hospital for 12 hours receiving treatment. However, he continued to be our son who is full of laughter and spirit in spite of the day. He encourages so many people who get to know our little boy. His curious questions and his ability to find ways to cope inspire me everyday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OUR AMAZING SON GABRIEL!!!!!!

Treatment Phase

During the month of August and September we continue to visit the hospital either weekly or three times a week for chemotherapy. Gabriel is currently on the "Augmented Delayed Intensification" phase of treatment. The first part of this phase involved five various chemo medications through IV, oral and a lumber puncture. The the second half of this phase is more difficult as Gabriel will receive IV and oral medications. In addition, he will receive 12 leg injections back to back. This is the most difficult part of treatment for Gabriel and inevitably for myself. When my baby boy is hurting I am hurting. I have come along very quickly to show strength on the outside even if I don't feel that way during the time my son is in pain. My strength comes from God as I know he continues to protect Gabriel during treatment. However, we all have emotions that dictate our external responses to situations. Appropriate externalization of emotions is important. I, of course, as a social worker believe 100% that externalization of emotions through verbal and physical communication is an important process that both children and adults must do in order to be mentally and physically healthy. As a result, Gabriel and I enjoy discussing our different feelings about the hospital visits after treatment and reading books expressing feelings so that Gabriel knows it is okay to be scared, sad, mad, anxious, frustrated, etc... We often agree that we don't like our visits, but know they are necessary. As I hug my little boy during painful procedures we have repeated the same saying since the onset of diagnosis. We repeat "it will be all done again." Gabriel likes to be reminded that the pain is short and that there is an end. One day we will finally be able to say together "it will be all done...forever." This is the day that God's healing will be revealed. Gabriel is healed today. I have no doubt (Mark 11:22-24) about that! It is doubt and disbelief in our hearts that causes fear and worry. I won't doubt the truth of the Word. God does not lie. I know that our journey involves chemotherapy and have I to trust God's direction over this process. I cannot worry about the side effects or future repercussions because our son is in God's protective hands. We will continue to pray this over him his entire life into old age. I am so thankful to God for bringing us thus far with limited reactions and only one fever.

Thank you to everyone who called to wish Gabriel a happy birthday! I was overcome with tears to all those who wanted to bring a smile to Gabriel's face. We appreciate your amazing support during this time and for being patient with our family if we don't get back to you right away. We also want to thank everyone for being so vigilant at informing us if you or your children are sick and becoming proactive with washing your hands.

Upcoming Months

The next few months will probably we spent at home away from crowds based on the uncertainty about the swine flu and other infections. However, we will not live in a bubble and live in fear. We will take precautions without limiting our family too much. We will have a new little one soon, so our time will be spent getting to know our third blessing from God. This will be a rewarding part of 2009 and looking forward to our new baby. I have almost completed my Christmas shopping in preparation for my busy life with three young and busy children. It was actually lots of fun shopping this time of year. I had not busy line-ups or crowds. I feel very organized. I may continue this for years to come. The other exciting part of our life is that I have started homeschooling Gabriel. I spent all summer researching for the best junior kindergarten curriculum for my son. Gabriel would have started junior kindergarten this year, but based on the intense chemo he is receiving it would have been too difficult. Gabriel is so eager to learn that I wanted to encourage this instead of waiting until next year. He keeps asking me to read the calendar, the clock and wants to read books so badly. I will find him sitting with his sister pretending to know how to read a story to her. It has to be the cutest thing to see your two children sitting together wanting to read a book. I love it! I can't help but smile and feel so blessed when I look at them.

Questions about Swine Flu for the Smith Family

Many people have asked about the swine flu vaccination and what it means for our family. Therefore, I wanted to provide everyone with some information. Gabriel is not able to get the vaccination as it would not do anything for him at this time. I was never a proponent of the flu vaccination based on concerns about repercussions to our bodies with all of the immunizations we have received and do receive. However, when you have a child that was diagnosed with cancer you face a different set of questions. We have become more concerned about Gabriel being around those who are not immunized because our son does not have immunity to fight serious diseases that are control through immunizations. The chemo he has received has depleted his immune system from fighting the diseases he was immunized as a baby and toddler. We have asked what the procedures will be for children diagnosed with cancer and the response from the Oncologists is the following: "Anyone you want your child to be around must have received the flu shot and swine flu shot in order to protect these children." I know there are many people out there who do not believe in receiving such vaccinations and I can appreciate this at a different level. My goal is to protect my son and other children, which means I have to throw out my past concerns and realize that there was a whole other aspect that I missed prior to Gabriel's diagnosis. This missed aspect was the concern for families who have immunosuppresant children. There are many "behind the scene" decisions, routines and procedures that occur for families with children receiving chemo that often go unrecognized. For example, my daughter was just recently at the stage of receiving her 18 month needles, which included a chicken pox vaccination. Gabriel was given this vaccination and now has no immunity to chicken pox. Chicken pox is life threatening to all kids with Leukemia on treatment. If we were not going through this with Gabriel we may have decided not to have Simone vaccinated for chicken pox and do what so many generations have done by receiving immunity through exposure. Sadly, we had other details to consider that most "normal" families tend not to consider. We immunized Simone to protect Gabriel. I never thought I would ever have to immunize my one child to protect another. This was the hardest decision for me because it concerned two of my children, not just one. It stirs the debate "to immunize or not to immunize" that is presently on the rise. I have come to realize during our journey that society as a whole must be a part of this debate when considering whether you immunize your own children.

We do hope to see our family and friends over the next few months. We wish you all good wishes and health.

Thank you for spending time reading my blog. I hope I was able to update you all without overwhelming you. I always have so much to say, and try to do this with limited words when I can. I hope you all had a wonderful summer and looking forward to the new school year. Remember to see the blessings in your life everyday and to always be positive. Glorify God always in all that you do!

The Smith Family
(Mike, Tina, Gabriel, Simone and soon baby number three)

Our Journey Update and Fantastic Blessings

I have realized that I have not posted a blog in over one month, and I know many people wonder how we are doing. I continue to lean on God's strength at all times. I continue to have faith in God's word concerning healing for my son. "And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up (James 5:15). By Jesus stripes my son is healed and that is what I am reminded each day that I feel my faith being tested. I know that God will use this situation to glorify Him and I have to trust that each day I am at the hospital.

Chemotherapy Procedures

Gabriel is presently on interim maintenance, but with his previous reaction our commitment at the hospital has increased. We are at the hospital three days a week for a period of two weeks at a time. We get a little more than a week break, which means we are only at the hospital once during that time. However, this will change as we enter a new chemo phase for Gabriel and will last for two months. The next phase of treatment will be quite intensive with many chemo medications both orally, intrathecal and iv. The preparation for this phase included an ultrasound and baseline reading of his heart as one particular drugs poses a risk to his heart (rare risk). It is times like this that our fears can surface, but I know that fear is not of the Lord and only used by Satan to defeat our faith in God's word. We appreciate your continued prayers.

Many people ask how Gabriel is doing and I am thankful that he is coping well. His age protects him from fully understanding the severity of his disease, but I am glad for this. I cannot imagine Gabriel carrying the same mental health struggles that adults have to carry when confronted with being diagnosed with cancer. Gabriel has moments where he is angry before and after painful procedures, which is to be expected. Overall, he plays like a little boy should, asks questions like a little boy should and loves to be with his friends and family. He is a energetic, high-spirited, incredible little boy whom I am so proud of. He inspires me. I love hearing him in the back of the car singing his Sunday School songs. He misses so much attending Sunday school and asks when he can go back. We always tell him one day things will be different and he can go back.

The process tends to be more difficult for parents with young children coping through chemo. I have to endure holding my child when he is in pain and feeling so helpless that I can't take it away. Mike and I have to endure the thoughts that creep in each day that create fears of the future. I know that this journey has reinforced for me that if I don't seek God consistently through this journey and forever I can become mentally fractured and allow Satan's control to work in our family. I am thankful that God is in control and that I feel his presence each day as I certainly could not do this journey without him leading the way.

Relay for Life

I want to send a thank you to everyone for your support for our team in the Relay for Life in Tillsonburg. We had an incredible time and was empowering for Mike and I to be part of this great cause. As parents we often feel helpless. The Relay for Life was a great opportunity for us to do something proactive that allowed us to feel a sense of control by contributing to wonderful cause that seeks to change similar circumstances for families. Thank you so much for you help.
I want to thank my team for your commitment and raising pledges. We could not have done this without you. Thank you to everyone who pledged our team and/or the individuals on our team. You have contributed to a worthy cause and many families will come to know the benefits of this cause.

Smith Family Fun

During this phase we had many opportunities to enjoy various outings as a result of Gabriel's neutrophils being high. We have spent time camping at Port Burwell Provincial Park, visiting Point Pelee on two occasions for a day trip, trip to Niagara falls for three days, hikes, picnics in the park, visiting my parents in Wiarton, and spending time Mike's siblings from Alberta and seeing our family and friends. It has been an enjoyable time for us these past two months and has assisted with distracting us from the realities of our family life at this time.

Simone is growing so fast. She is our fearless, comedic little girl who brings us all to laughter everyday. She is trying to run more often and is saying many new words each day. I see a confident and assertive little girl who knows what she likes and dislikes and communicates this very well. We are so proud of her. She shows much concern for her brother and loves to give him hugs and kisses. Gabriel and Simone are inseparable. Gabriel does not like to go to the hospital without her. I must say that my favorite time with my children is our cuddle time. Both of my children love cuddle time with mommy. I am trying to figure out how to fit my three children on my lap, and will be determined to find a way. I am so thankful for each of my children and when I look at them I see God's amazing power.

Our new baby is ready to come on October 28th, and we are getting excited about our new addition. We were recently told in an ultrasound that they are 98% sure that we are having another girl. Exciting news for our family that will soon become five. The name search has begun, but a difficult task for Mike and I. We tend to choose names that are not on the top 100 names of the past few years. I have only made it through three letters of the alphabet and not much agreeable success. Stay tuned upon the delivery of our baby for the chosen name. :)

Thank you once again for choosing to spend your time with us by reading my blog. We appreciate this commitment as I know that life can be busy for everyone.

God Bless you all!